Skin Deep
by Isabel0329
Summary: There’s more than meets the eye about a girl Alice meets when she moves into her new dorm room. Sometimes you have to look below the surface to really understand someone. Alice/Bella. All Human. OOC.
1. Prologue

**A/N: New story. Just to let everybody know ahead of time so hopefully I don't get any comments about it, this will be an Alice and Bella story. If the topic of lesbianism is not comfortable for you, I suggest you don't read this story. I will also be posting another new story soon with Bella and Edward so that might be a better option. **

**Summary: There's more than meets the eye about a girl Alice meets when she moves into her new dorm room. Sometimes you have to look below the surface to really understand someone. Alice/Bella. All Human. OOC. **

**Skin Deep**

**Prologue**

_The moment I'd seen her, she'd captivated me._

_Overtaken me._

_Consumed me._

_I'd been warned to stay away, but like a moth to a flame I couldn't stay away. _

_She lured me in. _

_I never even stood a chance against her. _

_She put on this tough girl image. _

_But something about her told me that appearances weren't everything. _

_There was more to her than just what she projected. _

_Her beauty was more than skin deep. _


	2. Chapter 1: First Glimpse

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 1: First Glimpse**

**Alice**

"Yes, Mom. I know," I sighed into the phone.

"Well, I'm just worried about you, Alice. Being all that way from home and no one close around to help you in case anything happened," Esme's lilting, soft voice floated sounded worried even to me.

"I'll be fine. Seriously. Emmett's just an hour away in case I need anything and I'm sure if anything huge comes up you'll be on a plane before I can finish the sentence telling you I need you," I replied, desperately trying to convey that I would be okay.

I slammed the trunk of the car shut and grabbed the last big load of stuff to take up to my dorm room with my free hand.

I'd lived at home the first year and a half of college, trying to get all the prerequisites out of the way. It wasn't that we were poor by any means and community college was necessary, but it was rather that I wanted to double major in college and didn't want to spend the next six years in a school. So instead I would have three years where I could focus solely on my two majors of business and communications.

I wanted to be the next Donna Karen, you see. I'd always had a talent for designing clothing, starting from the time I would draw up pretty designs for my Barbies. But it was the business side that I knew I would need help with so I wanted to get as much knowledge from academia as I could. And communications … well, everybody could use to be a better communicator.

Needless to say I would have job cut out for me in college.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Esme said for the millionth time since I'd begun packing my stuff for my move.

I sighed again. How do you tell your mother nicely that it's time for Baby Alice to grow up and finally move out of the childhood home? That she was tired of always being the little one and that there were things she wanted to leave behind?

"Mom, I'm fine. Really. Emmett's hopping around like he has to pee again, probably does considering he drank that 72 bladder buster soda from the last gas station we passed on the highway," I said.

"Oh Alice," she said with a chuckle.

"Bye, Mom. Really. I'll be fine. Try to stop worrying about me so much. It will make you prematurely old."

"ALI CAT! Move it along!" Emmett bellowed from the entrance to the all-girls dorm.

"Gotta go! Love you! Talk to you in a few days!" I quickly said into the phone, pressing the end button before I could hear any other of her attempt to get me back home.

The thing was … I loved my parents. I really did. They were sweet and understanding and pretty much everything you'd want in parents. But they were also blind.

They didn't know what the kids at school said about me. The hurtful things they called me.

I'd made the mistake of giving it up to a complete douche of a guy named Scott and regretting it instantly. It wasn't that he repulsed me in any way, but rather that he just didn't do anything for me. He had barely even aroused me and thankfully I had a bottle of lube I'd managed to sneak from Emmett's room when he wasn't looking.

After I'd faked it well enough to convince him that he got me off, he'd rolled off of me and been all content like.

It was that moment I realized it wasn't guys that did it for me.

So after Scott pulled up his pants and left, I'd slipped my fingers back in myself and tested out my theory that I was into girls by fantasizing about the hottest girl I could think of. Two mindblowing orgasms later, I was sure.

I was a lesbian.

I never really did anything about it in high school, but not being outwardly into guys in high school is a curse upon your social life. Whether you are or you aren't, you're labeled 'dyke' if you're not off sucking on some random guy between classes.

The idiots at my high school just didn't know they were more correct than they'd ever know.

So I'd kept my orientation under wraps as best as I was able, sometimes sneaking off to the nearby college campus and finding my way into a few parties. I bumbled through my first makeout with a girl there, not really sure what I was doing. She was this beautiful blonde who was patient and showed me how to touch a woman in all the right places.

My ego swelled to epic proportions when I'd finally made her cum. If I'd had any doubts before, I'd cemented them that night.

But I couldn't be 'out' at home. There were too many people who knew me in our small town, too many people that would judge me and say shit about me behind my back.

I'd waited and bided my time. Focused on my classes so I could go far away to this tiny college even farther than Emmett's. I wanted to go where nobody knew me. Where nobody could see me kissing a girl and start wild rumors that little Alice was a pussy licker.

My parents didn't deserve to hear those things about me. They had always been good to me. I didn't feel like ruining there perfect image of their perfect daughter. It wasn't that we didn't share things, but there were parts of my life I felt they didn't need to know about. Who I was sleeping with was one of those parts. I knew I'd have to cross that bridge at some point, but I just wasn't ready to yet.

So instead I decided to go to school as far away as I could.

Emmett trailed down the hall behind me and grunted under the weight of the biggest box, a grunt purely for show because I had witnessed him carry much larger and much heavier things. He grinned at a redhead who ducked her head out and I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, eyes forward Romeo. I'm not having you pollute the gene pool with little Emmetts," I half joked him.

"Oh, grow up. You know full well Rose would kill me if I ever even touched another girl," he laughed at me, referring to his very possessive, very beautiful girlfriend.

"Exactly. You wouldn't want her doing something she couldn't take back," I said and tapped the end of my nose.

Emmett cringed and squeezed his knees together, obviously understand what I was implying Rose might do if she ever found him with another woman.

We finally came to my dorm room and I carefully rearranged what I was holding so I could knock on the door.

Realistically I don't know why I was staying in a dorm. I was old enough that I could get away with being in an apartment my whole time in college, but I think since I had spent the year traditionally reserved for dorm stays at home that I wanted to experience what the normal college freshman did.

Luckily when I'd decided to go dutch and submit my name to the general pool of girls looking for dorm roommates I'd ended up with an older girl. We were roughly the same age and I'd talked to her on the phone a few times. Jessica was her name. Since I was coming at mid semester she already had most of the normal dorm room stuff already, so I only had to bring whatever additional stuff I wanted for myself.

When I'd questioned her about why she was getting a new roommate halfway through the year, she'd made some offhand comment about her last roommate being "turned" and then going off the deep end. She'd quickly changed the subject and I had let it rest, even though I was really confused and wanted to know more.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the hard wood door.

The door swung open in a few seconds and there stood what I assumed was Jessica. She was average height with mousy brown hair and happy green eyes. Overall, she appeared pleasant enough, but nothing about her was rather outstanding.

I'll be honest, that was one of my biggest fears. That I'd be paired off with a roommate that I was attracted to. That I would spend every waking moment trying to keep myself off of her.

Luckily, Jessica did nothing for me. Phew. Dodged a bullet with that one.

"Um, hey! You must be Alice!" she said and grinned at me. I smiled back at her, unable to fight her contagious enthusiasm.

She launched herself at me and I barely had time to drop the load full of various crap in my arms before her arms were around me.

"Um, okay," I mumbled into her hair which smelled a little like cheap shampoo.

I heard Emmett's rumbling laughter behind me and I extricated myself from Jessica's grasp to glare at him.

"You want to introduce me to your new best friend?" he chuckled.

"Jessica, this is my brother Emmett," I mumbled.

"Oh hey! Wow, you're big," she said.

Emmett chuckled again, walked in and set down the box on the empty bed on the right side of the room. He came over and ruffled my hair before heading toward the door as I glared and scowled at him behind his back.

"So Baby Ali, I'm off. Gotta get back to Big Rosie," he grinned and pointed down the hall towards the stairs. That was his signal to walk with him.

As we walked down the hall, Emmett put his big arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight against him. He kissed my hair quickly and sighed into my hair.

"Baby Alice. All growing up on me. I remember Mom changing your diapers and now you're off in the big girl world of college. Take it easy, okay? I don't want anything happening to you," he sighed and squeezed my arm.

"Seriously, I'll be fine. Jessica seems nice enough," I replied.

"Oh, Jessica," he laughed. Emmett leaned in close to my ear and said, "Just a bit of advice here. Go easy on her. Not to be crude or anything, but don't piss where you sleep if you know what I mean."

My steps froze and Emmett had to pull me along with him to keep walking.

In the back of my mind, I'd always kind of thought that Emmett knew I was into girls, but he'd never said anything. Never made a joke. Never said anything hurtful. Of course, he'd never said anything supportive either. This was as close as he'd ever come to acknowledging my orientation.

"What?" I managed to choke out.

"It's okay, Ali. I don't care. Whatever you want to do with your life is fine by me," he said so quietly I almost missed it.

Tears formed in my eyes. He did know. And it didn't matter to him. I was still his sister, no matter what gender I was sleeping with. I squeezed the hand on the end of the arm still around my shoulder and Emmett took the opportunity to pull me into a big bear hug.

We stood there, each wrapped up in the other, and let the moment take us away. I'd found some form of acceptance within my own family, even if it was small. But that was Emmett's way. He'd hoot and holler about stupid stuff, always cracking jokes that most people would probably consider crude for polite company. But when it came to the important stuff he was always rather tight lipped. He said his piece and he moved on. He used just the right number of words to get his point across and then let the issue drop.

It was one of the things I would miss about him, even if I could talk to him on the phone whenever I wanted to. He always just had this way of knowing what to say to make me comfortable in a situation that would otherwise be ridiculously uncomfortable.

When I'd walked him out of the building (per dorm rules that no male must be unaccompanied) and we had our last brother sister joke, I slowly climbed the stairs back to my floor.

The door to our room was still open and Jessica was talking on the phone to someone. I tried to make myself busy so it wouldn't look like I was eavesdropping, which I wasn't by any means. That was roommate code number one. Give the other space.

So instead I busied myself with putting my clothes away and arranging my school stuff on the meager little desk the university supplied each dorm room. I didn't have a huge amount of clothing, but it was definitely a challenge to fit everything into the small drawers of the practically miniature dresser and micro-sized closet as well. My shoes were piled up at the bottom of the closet and I had a stack of sweaters in the corner as well.

Ah, well. Good enough. This isn't forever.

I planned on getting an apartment next school year, so I would only have to live here for the five remaining months of the year.

I could do five months, right? Easy.

Jessica was still talking so I pulled out my twin extra long sheets to make the bed and sighed at the poor excuse of a mattress. Considering the university wanted us to be at top condition to learn and grow and all that academic shit, you'd think they'd want us to get a good night of sleep on a proper mattress. Sadly this wasn't the case. Hmm, maybe I'd have to invest in one of those pillow mattress toppers soon.

Just as I was done, Jessica began wrapping up her conversation and I heard her say "Mike, I love you" into the phone. Well, I guess it's good to know she's strictly off-limits now even though I had no urge to jump her bones anyways. The little extra push always helped though.

She hung up the phone and giggled.

"He's such a cutie! Anyways, so Alice! You want to go get some food? It's Saturday which means the cafeteria has pizzas to order!" she said eagerly.

"That sounds pretty good, I guess," I replied.

Jessica grabbed her keys from her desk and we left the room after locking it up.

As we were walking down the hall, the door to the elevator opened and my breath caught in my throat. Actually legitimately caught.

She had long brown hair, and I could tell it was silky and shiny even from the distance we were apart. Her face was heart shaped and she had these gorgeous full lips that were turned up in a half sneer.

What drew me to her though were these big brown eyes framed with long eyelashes. Chocolate brown. Deep. Rich. Inviting. Pulling me into her world.

I always thought I had a thing for blondes after that first girl and this girl in front of me was dashing all my long held beliefs.

She was no blonde.

But there was something about her, something that lured me. Called to me.

Her mouth turned up into a wry grin when she saw me gaping at her and her eyes kind of narrowed on me. Almost like she was zeroing in on her prey. It was the strangest sensation that I was being stalked. Or watched. Or sized up. Something to that effect.

She turned her head and as her hair bounced over her shoulder I then saw the other girl behind her. The brunette was pulling along another girl, one who was ordinary by all accounts but had this wide eyed, stunned look.

Almost like she had been caught.

"Alice," Jessica hissed at me, breaking my attention.

I turned back to her.

"Come on, let's go," she said, almost sounding like she was pleading with me.

As we were walking down the stairs I couldn't get the image of the gorgeous brunette out of my mind. The way she looked at me. Her full lips. Her hair. The grin. Everything.

"Um, who was that?" I asked without thinking.

"You don't want to know who that was. You want to stay away from her," she said under her breath.

"Why is that?" I whispered back.

"Just trust me. Steer clear of her," she warned and pulled me into the cafeteria.

That was the first night I dreamed of the stunning brunette.

Her eyes haunted me in my sleep.

So big. So brown. So entrancing.

I'd never seen anyone like her before.

Something told me I'd never see anyone like her again.


	3. Chapter 2: Release

**A/N: Sorry about the wait. I had a fairly sizable case of writer's block the past few days. **

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 2: Release**

It had been two weeks.

I hadn't seen the stunning brunette in two stinking weeks.

The brief encounter I'd had with her in the hallway, though we had probably been twenty feet apart, played over and over in my head each night as I went to sleep. I found myself twisting the events a little more each time, changing the outcome. A few times she'd dropped the scared looking girl behind her and taken up my hand. Those were my favorite fantasies.

But I had yet to see her again.

Jessica had made herself my new best friend, though really I found her to be somewhat annoying. She had opinions on everything and everyone. And she wasn't afraid to share them. She showed me all her favorite places on campus, many of which involved her telling me stories of hot and steamy makeout sessions she'd had there with her boyfriend.

Ugh. I was definitely not interested in hearing about how she'd gone down on him in the stairwell of the science building. If there was one thing I wasn't interested in it was listening to her sex stories.

I mean, hello … lesbian.

But I put up with her and let her talk. She was so excited to have someone new to talk to that I couldn't deny her the pleasure she obviously got from showing me around.

There were a few times she made brief mention of her old roommate, but she quickly glossed over anything of substance and changed the subject whenever I would ask a question about the girl, no matter how inconsequential the question was.

All I continued to get was "turned" and "crazy." Something told me that Jessica wouldn't be very welcoming of having another crazy roommate, so I decided to let that topic rest as well. Maybe I'd get lucky one night and she'd come home from some drunken frat party and I could wrestle the details out of her then.

The more chummy we became (I refused to think of us as friends even though she repeatedly called me her best friend) the more comfortable she was in my presence. This normally wouldn't have unnerved me, but comfortable for Jessica meant that she would lounge around in these tiny pajama shorts and a tank top. Didn't she ever get cold? Apparently not.

I did my best to keep my eyes off of her, constantly reminding myself that I wasn't attracted to her in any way. I always had my nose in a book or in a magazine whenever she put those type of outfits on and I think she began to think I was some kind of studyaholic or something.

"Oh, Alice. We're in college! We should be having fun, not studying all time!" she'd giggle and rollover on her bed so her ass jutted out and her breasts pressed into her bed.

_Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Remember what Emmett said. Don't piss where you sleep._

I was working on some calculus problems one lazy Saturday afternoon when Jessica breezed into the room, towel wrapped around her body and hair dripping wet over her shoulders.

_The derivative of this equation would be found by …_

I frantically tried to pay attention to the numbers on the page when I saw her drop her towel out of the corner of my eye.

_Tangents. _

She had this tiny black thong on and I noticed she had some dimples on the back of her ass. I was by no means a perfectionist when it came to bodies, but I was slightly amused that Jessica who worked so hard on her appearance would have cellulite anywhere on her. I had found one of her imperfections. Well, beyond the obvious constantly talking thing …

What startled me most though was that Jessica wasn't wearing a bra. She was just in that thong. I always thought I'd had a thing for thongs, but seeing one on her kind of turned me off to them in that second.

But anyways. Boobs.

Jessica's were huge.

She turned towards her dresser and I caught sight of the front of her breasts. Perfectly round and unnaturally perfect. Breast implants. Must be. Perhaps Daddy gifted her them for graduation because I could still make out some gentle redness and a soft scar at the bottom of her left breast. The incision mark.

I'd definitely never had a thing for fake boobs.

I must have whimpered or made some kind of noise because Jessica nearly jumped through her skin to the ceiling and squealed from surprise.

"Shit, Alice! You scared the crap out of me! I didn't even see you sitting there!" she exclaimed and held her hand over her heart.

"Um, sorry?" I squeaked and ducked my head down.

_Do not look at the boobs. Do not look at the boobs. _

_  
You do not like fake boobs. _

Her nipples were staring straight at me.

"Uh … could you put those away?" I said and latched my view onto the coffee mug I used as a pencil holder on my desk.

Jessica giggled and reached for the top drawer where I knew she kept her bras. I didn't dare look up for a few minutes to let her get dressed.

"Sorry about that. I really did think you weren't here. How long have you been sitting there?" she finally asked and I turned to see her in her standard tiny shorts and tank top.

"I don't know. Maybe 15 minutes?" I guessed.

"Oh, that would make sense. I felt like taking a nice long shower. Got in like 25 minutes ago I think," she answered.

"Um okay," I mumbled.

Jessica giggled again and ran her fingers through her still wet hair.

"Well at least we know you're not like … er … oh shit. I mean … nevermind." She quickly cut herself off and reached for the fashion magazine I'd thumbed through yesterday.

Her quick backtalking intrigued me and I wanted to know what she was avoiding mentioning.

"Like what?" I pressed.

"Oh nevermind. Really. It's nothing. Just forget I ever said anything," she said and her eyes flickered to my face before dipping back down. She quickly flipped the pages of the magazine too fast for me to believe that she was really reading it.

"Um, okay. Cryptic much," I muttered and resumed whatever tenuous concentration I'd had on the calculus problems.

Our night passed without incident. Hell, the next six days passed without incident. All I knew was that my classes weren't that hard, just tedious. Lots of stupid assignments that were pointless and didn't count for any credit in the class. I quickly figured out when I had to read and when I didn't. Some classes were much easier than others while some were much harder though. For instance, "Introduction to Marketing" was pretty darn easy while "Microeconomics" was probably my toughest class. Too many charts and graphs.

It was Saturday and Saturdays on our campus meant football. Absolutely everybody went. Even Jessica went with her boyfriend Mike, though I suspect he enjoyed the game more than she did and she went to appease him. I'd been around Mike enough to know that a happy Mike meant there would likely be some heavy petting between the two of them going on later. I'd managed to extract a promise from Jessica that they would go back to his place after the game though, so my night was going to blissfully live porn free.

And I was in luck. Since everybody was at the football game, I could relax in relative peace and quiet. It wasn't that I didn't like the game; it just didn't make me super excited. Yeah, the cheerleaders were a nice distraction from the lumbering oxen known as players, but here on this campus they didn't wear nice enough uniforms to warrant my time.

So I was hanging out in my bed that day, watching television. I was flipping channels and came across a commercial with one particularly attractive girl in it.

The best part?

She was a brunette. Just like the girl I'd seen that first day. The one I hadn't seen for weeks. The image of her was slowly fading from my memory and I was downright sad over that fact. I'd looked everywhere for her, but I hadn't seen her. Not even a glimpse.

As the commercial ended, I found my thoughts drifting back to her face, as fuzzy as it was slowly becoming in my memories. That heart shaped face. Those full lips that turned up in the mocking sneer. Her eyes … god, her eyes.

The more I thought about her, the more turned on I became. I knew soon I would need something to release my building arousal.

My fingers moved of their volition from my side and snuck under the waistband of jeans. I could feel the heat emanating from between my legs even through my underwear. My other hand undid the button on my jeans and then the zipper. I pushed the material down my legs, kicking it to the foot of my bed. I pulled my tank top up and off my body, the cool air of the room hitting my nipples and making them hard in an instant.

I heard a door slam outside my dorm room and I was quickly reminded of where I was. In an unlocked dorm room with the very real possibility of having my roommate walk in on my pleasuring myself, buck-ass naked.

I got up and bounded across the room in a few steps, turning the lock on the door. At least this way if she came back while I was mid self-coitus then I would hear the lock and have a moment or two to throw a blanket over myself or something.

I returned to my bed and shimmied the last barrier to my goal off, the panties quickly joining my jeans at the foot of my bed. I settled myself onto the bed and began remembering as much about the stunning brunette as I could.

Her eyes were first as they were what drew me to her. As I closed mine, her deep brown eyes filled my fantasy urging me onward. It was like she could see me, see every movement I was making as I made them.

My right hand moved down between my legs again, circling around my slit and spreading the moisture that was already collecting there around. My left hand began massaging my breast, my nipple pebbling under my touch.

My head tilted back into my pillow as I began rubbing my clit the way I liked it, all around it first then across in all directions. That familiar tightening in my stomach started and small whimpers and moans fell from my mouth.

As the girl's eyes watched me from my thoughts, I moved my fingers faster and applied more pressure. The rest of her face came into focus and those lips that I'd dreamed about too many times were glossy and inviting. They drew me in and called to me.

My hips bucked up into my hand and I rubbed my palm fiercely into my mound, bringing myself higher and closer to the edge. Her eyes glimmered and I slipped a finger into myself. My stomach tightened again and anther finger joined its mate.

She licked her lips and I couldn't stop the climax that rocketed my through body just seeing her tongue on her lips. My back arched off the bed and I clamped down on my own fingers. My left hand clutched at my breast as I came back to myself. I was panting and sweaty, but satisfied and blissfully happy.

It had been too long since I'd done that, made myself so happy like that. Jessica hardly left me alone anymore and I wasn't about to masturbate with another girl in the room, especially one who was so damned interested in sharing her own sexual acts with me. I didn't want to hear another story about Mike's penis if my life depended on it.

I was sticky with sweat and my arousal was wet against my thighs. I wanted nothing more than to just lay there and bliss out, but I knew that I needed to clean myself up.

Though I didn't particularly enjoy the dorm showers, they were relatively clean and I could deal with them well enough. They were nothing like the big bathroom I had at home, but I would gladly take them and the freedom college afforded me over the reality of living at home.

I got up off my bed, quickly glancing in my mirror and seeing that my short hair was spiked up in all different directions. I had some definite self-sex hair. It was actually pretty beautiful to look at.

I grabbed my towel and shower caddy filled with products, wrapping the towel around naked body.

The communal bathroom was steamy when I stepped in, and the sound of water running coming from the shower area.

As I walked back to the showers, I heard someone softly singing over the pouring water. It was low and throaty, and it began to bring back the arousal I'd been feeling earlier before my little self love session. I felt it gather between my legs and start to drip down.

Whoever was taking the shower was in the back shower stall, and I was shocked to see the curtain hadn't been pulled.

Realistically I didn't have to walk back there. There were two other showers before that one that I could use and not see into the open shower, but something drew me to the back.

I gingerly peered around the tiled wall and hoped that I wouldn't be caught peeking at the girl taking the shower. I didn't want to be known as the Peeping Tom-ette of the dorm.

The girl was running her hands over her wet hair. Her wet brunette hair. It was slicked down her back, hitting just above the small of her back. Right above the small tattoo that was there. A small flame with some water below it. The whole tattoo was probably no bigger than half of my palm, but it was simply gorgeous.

I couldn't stop staring at the girl's body. Her back plastered with hair. Her ass so perfect and round. Her legs that weren't small, though they weren't large either.

My arousal dripped once more, reminding me exactly what I was doing.

Just then, as if the girl could read my mind, she turned around.

My heart stopped as I realized who I'd been spying on.

Her.

The stunning brunette.

She turned her head and saw me standing there, her eyes narrowing on me sharply. Stalking me again. Her lips tightened and turned up at the corner, that same half smirk, half sneer I'd remembered her giving me.

I should have looked away. I should have turned away. Hell, I should have ran away.

But I couldn't.

I was frozen to my spot, body unwilling to move and feet unwilling to carry me away.

She was just so … perfect.

Bare. Beautiful. Naked. Wet.

Just … naked.

She turned back around then, breaking our locked gazes. Without saying a word, she shut off the water and ran her hands over her hair, squeezing out the last of the water with her back still to me.

I couldn't look away from that tattoo.

Right at the top of her ass.

She turned towards me again, this time turning her whole body. My eyes slid shut, obviously not ready to see the rest of her. My mouth hung open and I was beginning to pant just from the image of her naked ass still burned into my field of vision.

I heard her take two steps close to me and I could even smell whatever soap she used. I felt her get close to me, and my heart stopped again when she leaned into me.

Heat radiated through my body as my blood began to race and my breathing picked up even more.

Her breath was hot against my face and I think I whimpered a bit from her proximity.

"Enjoy the show?" she quietly whispered.

And then she was gone.

She breezed past me towards the bathroom door, obviously not covering her nakedness on the way back to wherever she was headed. I heard the door slam shut on her way out.

I stood there for a practically forever just recovering my sanity and going over what had just happened.

She'd been so close. So naked. So wet.

My eyes finally decided to work again and they opened, probably hoping that she was still standing there in front of me. I was almost disappointed to see an empty shower instead of her.

I used the same shower stall as her, just to be close to her again.

Unlike her though, I closed the curtain.

It was a long shower and I couldn't stop my fingers from darting between my legs and finding their own holy land.

Three times.

**A picture of the tattoo will be posted on the Skin Deep thread over on the Twilighted AU All-Human board if anybody is interested in seeing it. **


	4. Chapter 3: Insanity

**Skin Deep **

**Chapter 3: Insanity**

If I thought I was obsessed with the girl before, seeing her so … bare just brought my obsession to new heights. It seemed like every thought was consumed by her. Of her face, glancing over her shoulder at me. Of her body, so perfect and bare. Of her hair, slick and wet down her back.

And dammit, that tattoo. I doodled it on every available piece of paper I owned.

I wondered what it meant. There had to be some sort of significance for her to get something so permanently etched on her skin. I hoped it wasn't something stupid, like Emmett's love of the Smurfs turning into a shoulder tattoo of Smurfette that Rosalie gave him so much shit for when he came home with it.

Fire and water.

Elements.

I tried to come up with every possible explanation for it but only ended up confusing myself. Obviously she'd said only three words to me during the whole exchange, and those three words provided absolutely no clues to what was going through her head.

But they did provide inspiration for other more … obvious things.

It was pathetic really.

Any spare moment that Jessica wasn't attached at the hip to me, I found my hand lingering just a little too long in between my legs. It was almost humorous how often I brought myself to climax over the next week. I felt like some horny teenage boy with how much I was girl jacking off.

The thing was that she left me so flustered and breathless and just … horny.

It seemed like everything about her was perfect and I haven't even seen her real goods. I'd only seen her naked from behind. But what I had seen had absolutely and utterly captivated me. My eyes had traced over every curve and line and dip, searching and struggling to find more.

I wanted nothing more than to run my fingers over every inch of her skin and learn her. Learn what places were tender. What places were soft. What places brought the most pleasure for her.

At night I'd roll over and picture her body behind my eyelids, exactly the way as I'd seen it in the shower. Only I was just as naked as she was and we weren't in the shower. We were in a far softer, far more comfortable place doing far better things than showering.

But the problem with all of this was I still didn't know her name. I had the idea that she was more than likely living in the same dorm as me given that I'd seen her on the floor before and then obviously in the showers. Despite this it wasn't like I could just go up to the front counter downstairs and as for the "stunning naked brunette who lives on the fourth floor." I'm pretty sure I would get some strange looks for that. Or possibly some big laughs.

So I just had to do my own scouting.

I found myself looking for her when I was eating, mainly because it was a distraction from Jessica's painfully pointless ramblings. The more she talked, the less important anything that came out of her mouth seemed. As long as I ooh-ed and ahh-ed at the proper moments I could pass myself off as actually listening to when in reality I was scanning every single face for the girl.

Four days later I caught a glimpse of her walking out of the cafeteria, another shy looking girl in tow behind her. This new girl was blonde and skinny and had huge boobs. So very unlike me. My heart sank when I thought about the very real possibility that she wouldn't be interested in me if I ever decided to woman-up and make a move. It was pretty disheartening to say the least.

I pouted for several days after that, almost forgetting to even look anymore. Jessica made stupid comments about my panties being in a twist and something crawling up my ass and dying. I flipped her off a few times and told her to go suck Mike off since that made her so damn happy. She just laughed harder, but fortunately laid off the quips after the second time I told her where she could stick her comments.

Jessica really didn't understand sometimes.

And honestly, I really didn't want to explain. How do you explain to your very not gay roommate that not only are you a lesbian but you spied on another girl in the shower, you frantically search for the briefest of glimpses of her whenever you can, and worse yet … that you don't like big, fake boobs?

You don't, easy enough.

One day I was feeling incredibly pouty and lazy, so I decided to take the elevator up to my floor instead of taking the stairs like I normally did. I got in and pressed the button, then ducked my head and checked out the dorky text message Emmett had sent me on my phone. "What does the chicken say to the rooster as they're doing it?!" Seriously, what was he? Two years old?

Just as the elevator doors were closing, someone stuck their hand in and the doors opened back up to let them in. Normally this wouldn't have caught my attention any more than usual, but this time I looked up.

And yet again, there she was.

My mouth fell open slightly and she stepped in the elevator almost as if I wasn't even there. I both took a step forward and a step backward, leaving me in the same spot I had started. My bag started to slip down my shoulder and I couldn't force my body to move enough to hike it up.

The doors slowly closed and I'm pretty sure every thought in my head was gone except for starting at her. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail at the nape of her neck and I thought I saw some tiny black script inked on her skin back there, but I couldn't make out the writing. It took everything in me to not lean over and brush her hair aside so I could see it clearly.

Her eyes darted sideways and she turned her head just enough to see me.

This time I really did take a step backward.

"Hey," she said quietly.

My brain was screaming at me to say something, anything. To tell her my name. To tell her my room number. To tell her how much I wanted her. To confess how much I'd gotten myself off to the memory of her.

But nothing came.

It was as if my thoughts had come to a screeching halt and she was the reason why.

She turned her head back and I caught her lips turning up into that same half sneer I remembered so fondly. Her eyes narrowed on a random spot of the elevator floor, making me think she was amused by my entire lack of speaking ability.

The elevator dinged for each floor slowly and I held my breath the entire time. She hadn't pressed a button meaning she was going to the same floor as me. Did this mean she lived on the same floor? Well, duh. That would make sense considering I saw her in the showers there.

I couldn't believe how incredibly dumb this girl was making me.

I'd never been affected by someone like this. Never had every synapse scramble and every brain cell just shut down. I'd never realistically considered the possibility something like that could happen to me. It wasn't that I didn't believe in love; it was more like I just wasn't looking for it.

But thinks like this happen to you when you're least expecting them. You turn your head for a short moment and your entire world suddenly is thrown into complete chaos when you least expect it.

And this girl was definitely doing that to me. From the first time I'd seen her, she'd consumed every free thought of mine. She'd plagued my dreams and filled my fantasies. I could practically feel her hair soft and silky under my fingertips as I touched it and I hadn't even ever done that. She'd only ever said three, no wait four now, words to me and yet I was beyond enamored with her.

How does something like that happen? How can one person completely turn another into a complete and utter mess while remaining calm and collected? Did she know she had this talent? And where, oh where, did she manage to learn it?

I wanted to know everything about this girl. I wanted to know her past, her present and her plans for the future. From all the stupid little mundane things to her grand ideas and thoughts.

The elevator finally dinged for our (_our!) _floor and the doors slowly opened.

The girl stepped forward out of the elevator and I logically knew I should get off as well, but once again I was frozen to my spot and there wasn't a power in the world that could make my body move. As much as I willed it to move, I was stuck.

Instead of continuing down the hallway in whatever direction she was heading, she turned around and stood there. Her eyes locked with mine and they sparkled with something I couldn't place but could only imagine. They were predatory again kind of. Gleaming at me and drawing me in again. My body unconsciously leaned closer to her though my feet where still glued to the floor of the elevator.

Her lips turned up in that sneer again and a low laugh rumbled in her throat.

The elevator doors began to slide shut and my head was screaming, "Not yet!"

"416," she said then, clear as day.

The doors shut in front of her and she was gone.

The elevator continued on up to the eighth floor and some random girl got on. I must have looked like a complete idiot because she gave me a funny look. I was standing there, still leaning forward with my mouth open and head tilted.

"Alice, right?" she asked.

I nodded so I wouldn't have to confess my weakness when I tried to speak.

"I'm in your Micro class. Do you remember what the problems are for the homework for Thursday?" she asked again.

I shook my head in response. At that moment I couldn't have told you anything more than my name much less what the damn homework for that stupid class was.

"Oh, well. Nevermind then," she mumbled and pressed the button for the first floor.

My arm seemed to remember that I needed to go back to my room and reached out to press the fourth floor.

The girl shifted on her feet and looked oddly nervous while the floors dinged down. The doors finally opened again and my feet found life, taking me from the small space.

As the doors closed behind me, I thought I heard her mutter a soft "weirdo."

I couldn't disagree with her.

I looked down both sides of the long hallway, perhaps hoping that the girl was waiting for me. My luck had not held out though and she was nowhere to be found. Of course. That would have been too easy. And obviously life never dealt me the easy hand of cards. I never got the full house or straight flush. I was more likely to end up with a few random cards of both colors, never adding up to anything good.

I walked to my door automatically and let myself in, finding Jessica sprawled out on her bed stomach down with another magazine in front of her.

My bag dropped with a dull thud onto the floor and she looked up, startled to see me standing there. As soon as her eyes found my face, she groaned and rolled over on her back. She put her hands over her eyes and she kind of looked like she was in pain. If I wasn't still rather stunned by my elevator encounter with _her_ I probably would have laughed at Jessica's actions.

"Not you too," she groaned again and I think that shook me out of my haze.

Not me too what? Jessica was always making those stupid cryptic comments but this one was damn confusing and I wanted to know what she meant.

"What?" I asked, finally finding my voice after what seemed like an eternity of disuse.

"Seriously, what did I do to deserve this? I'm not a bad person, so why do I keep getting cursed like this?" she muttered quietly more to herself than me I think.

I went over and sat down on my bed across from her, tucking my legs under me.

"Okay, Jessica. I'm kind of tired of all of this cryptic crap you've been pulling on me. You're going to explain everything to me because I'm fed up with not knowing," I stated.

She turned her head towards me and I actually thought I saw tears in her eyes. What could possibly be so upsetting? I'd never seen Jessica cry, not even when she thought for five minutes that Mike was cheating on her. Instead she'd ranted and raved and threatened to detach some very important parts of his anatomy. Though it would have been amusing to see, I had managed to talk to her down from that threat.

I know, I'm a great friend sometimes.

She rolled her head back and stared straight up at the ceiling. She sighed a few times and I began to doubt that she'd actually tell me anything.

"Jessica .." I prodded.

"I'm trying, okay? I really don't know how to say all of this without sounding like the biggest bitch in the world," she sighed again. She closed her eyes and for a second I almost … felt for her. Empathized with her.

But not enough to dissuade from finally figuring out what the hell she was hiding.

"Just tell me. I don't care if you're a bitch," I lied.

"Okay fine! _That girl_ managed to turn my roommate into a complete psychotic mess!" she bellowed out.

"Who?"

She squirmed her body and threw her arm over her face. She took several deep breathes and again I couldn't stop myself for feeling for her.

"_She_ broke her. Made her a mess. Promised her to the world and then threw her away when she was no longer wanted. Sarah was a good person. She didn't deserve that. She was pretty and smart and had everything going for her. _She_ took her in and changed her. Sarah was staying with her in that hellpit for a few days and then one day I come back to our room and Sarah's curled up in a ball in the corner of that damn bed and blubbering incoherently," Jessica explained with enough vitriol in her voice every time she said referred to this unnamed perpetrator of such a heinous crime.

Jessica rolled over and faced away from me. I heard a few muffled sobs and the image of her last roommate curled in the fetal position on the very bed I was sitting on flooded my mind. I didn't know any more than Jessica had explained, but already I sympathized with her. It seemed like she was genuinely upset about all of this. That finding her roommate like that had been really hard on her.

But another part of me was actually curious what person would have the ability to make someone that crazy. To chew them up and spit them out. To completely ruin a person to the point that they couldn't continue with college, something I assumed by this Sarah no longer being Jessica's roommate.

We were both silent for awhile, lost in our respective thoughts.

"Stay away from her, Alice. I like you too much to see you like that," Jessica finally whispered softly.

"Stay away from who?"

She shook her head gently.

I huffed in response.

"Jessica, if you don't tell me who to stay away from, how can I possibly stay away from said person?" I said and crossed my arms over my chest.

She rolled back over and she propped her head up on her elbow. The front of her tank top dipped down, one of her over-inflated breasts beginning to fall out of the top. My eyes darted to it for a second before I reminded myself that fake boobs are fail.

"You remember that girl we saw the day you moved in?" she asked and bit the corner of her lip.

I nodded. How could I forget? This was the siren of my dreams. The one who called to me. The one who made me quiver when I came. The one who had showered naked with the curtain open. The one who only moments prior I had shared an uncomfortable and overly tense elevator ride. The one who made me weak kneed and left me a gooey mess whenever she came even remotely near. The one who consumed both my waking and sleeping moments. The one who looked at me like I was something to eat.

Could this beautiful specimen who apparently had the power to make me lose all reason also have the power to reduce a person to insanity?

"Her," Jessica said quietly.

Apparently she did.

I know this should have scared me. I know this should have turned me off to _her_ instantly, but to be quite honest it only intrigued me further.

And made wonder something else too.

"What's her name?" I asked, leaning into the question while still trying to maintain a façade of detachment.

Jessica's eyes widened for a second and I held my breath waiting for perfection's name.

"Bella."

_Bella_.

_Beautiful_.

How appropriate.

Perfection was named Bella.


	5. Chapter 4: Decisions

**A/N: Okay, there's no second read through on this one since it's SUPER late and I'm beyond exhausted. But I really, really wanted to post this tonight. Sorry about any typos and I'll go back through and fix any in the morning. **

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 4: Decisions**

There's that old saying that Rome wasn't built in a day.

It actually took three.

And apparently that's how long it took for my brain to process the information Jessica had told me.

For three straight days I was lost in my own thoughts about _her,_ about Bella. _Bella_. Her name was Bella. She was beautiful and strong and intimidating as all hell and captivating and downright terrifying as well. She had the power to wrap me around her little finger and if what Jessica said was right, flick me into the trash bin in one easy motion. _If_ I ever acted upon my obvious attraction to her, there was a terrifyingly real possibility that I would be tossed out like a dirty Kleenex when she got tired of me.

I should have run away.

I should have made up my mind to never go near her again.

I should have listened to Jessica.

And yet, I couldn't keep myself from thinking about her. After 42 hours and 27 minutes without saying a single thing back to whatever mindless banter Jessica threw at me, she finally gave up and slinked off to her metaphorical corner. I don't know if it was her giving up on me or what, but she acted almost like she'd accepted whatever was to come. I couldn't help but catch the pitiful look she always had plastered on her face.

Like she knew what was coming and yet she felt powerless to stop it.

To know the future and not be able stop it is the most humbling thing ever.

I wanted to say something to her to make her feel better, to let her know that I would never blame her for what came next no matter what that _what_ was. I wanted to let her know that anything that happened would be of my own choosing. That I wouldn't be pushed into anything I didn't want to do.

The problem was that I'm not sure I believed all of that myself. It was obvious to me that Bella held some type of power over me and that if she actually exercised it there was a good possibility I would end up just like Sarah did, bent and broken while crying on my bed.

Any logical, rational, sane person would have been scared. Maybe I just had no sense of self-preservation. Maybe I wanted something different. Maybe I wanted to tame the beast, so to speak. Maybe I didn't believe the rumors. Maybe I thought there was something going on that nobody understood.

And maybe I just thought I would be different.

I don't know really.

I couldn't tell you why I wasn't scared. Why I didn't want to stay away. Why all of Jessica's warnings were in vain. Why for the life of me I couldn't find a reason to leave my obsession with her behind.

So I thought about her. Every second of every day of every moment.

My brain continued to dredge up every second I'd spent in her presence while I was sleeping and my hands kept lingering just a bit too long when I was in the shower. She'd said just five words to me since I moved into the dorms and those five words were more important to me than the rest of the English language.

The more I thought about everything she said and did and was, the more I seemed to want her.

I was sitting in my Calculus lecture the day the last piece of the eternal puzzle that was Bella fell into place.

416.

Okay, I admit. It was probably obvious to the entire world except me. I always had a knack for overlooking the stupidest little detail that was the most important.

I literally smacked myself upside the head for not realizing the importance of 416. Hard too. I felt like such an idiot for not figuring it out the second the precious number fell off her beautiful lips.

416 was her room number.

Duh.

Color me moronic, seriously.

I spent four days after that realization pondering why Bella would have possibly told me her room number.

Did she want to play with me? Did she want to taunt me? Did she give me her room number wanting me to drop by and have casual lesbian sex? Was I her next conquest? Would she possibly want … me? Who was so unlike the last girl I'd seen trailing behind her, the one with blonde hair and big boobs and hips and just all around gorgeous. I was short and brunette and had small boobs and not much in the hip department. What could I possibly offer her that she wasn't finding somewhere else?

Was she … offering?

Would I accept?

Could I accept?

I tossed and turned in my sleep, the questions rolling around in my head. She was so close, a dozen or so doors down from me. Now that I knew she was there, my body seemed to be pulled towards that room. A couple times I got out of bed long after the rest of the world had gone to bed and tiptoed down the long corridor to room 416.

There were no decorations on the door like most of the other doors in the dorm. No cute pictures or whiteboard to leave a message. No banners. Nothing that would give an indication of the room's contents. Just a plain construction paper leaf cutout the Resident Assistant had taped to every door with the room number hastily scribbled on it.

On the third night I did this, I actually sat down in the hallway across from the door, back pressed in to the wall. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them.

My body was screaming at me to do something, anything.

My mind was screaming at me to run away.

It was an interesting dichotomy, torn between action and inaction. There was no in-between and yet I had seemingly found one. I lingered just long enough to get my fix without her knowing I was there and slinked back to my bed, shaking like a leaf during a windstorm.

The next morning I woke up I had made my decision.

The sun shone through the curtains and Jessica's soft snores provided a nice soundtrack for my probably life-altering decision. It was either the stupidest thing I would ever do or possibly the smartest.

Only time would tell.

It took another three days before I had worked up enough guts to do it.

I dressed slowly, indecision marking every piece of clothing I picked up. Maybe the green shirt … no, the blue one would be better. Skinny jeans or boot cut. Or a skirt. Skirts had easier access, after all. But that might make me seem like a whore. Or maybe it would announce my intentions loudly.

Jessica was off doing something with Mike, probably rounding third and sliding home for the millionth time since school had started, so luckily I didn't have to deal with her patronizing stares. Her pitying glances that led me to believe she though I would be the next Sarah. That it would be my turn to jump off the deep end and throw myself into the pit of rejection.

I don't now why, but I actually had a good feeling about my decision. That no matter what happened, everything would work out well. It was like a sixth sense almost. That there would be some bumps and bruises along the way, but no major injuries and harm.

When I was finally done, I locked the door to my room and had this thought pop into my head that last night might have been one of the last nights I would sleep in my own bed. It was a strange idea and I couldn't tell you where it came from, but it was there nonetheless.

The hallway down to _her_ room was altogether much too long and much too short at the same time. My footsteps echoed down the empty hallway on the linoleum tiles and my heart began to beat faster in my chest as each door passed.

412 … 413 … 414 … 415 … 416.

416.

_Her_ door.

Bella's door.

Her name rolled around in my head and it brought a smile to my face.

Bella.

For all that I knew and didn't know about her, her name was like heaven on my ears and in my thoughts. I had never heard a more perfect name in all of time and likely never would.

I stood there and steeled myself for what I would possibly find. What if she wasn't there? What if she was there and didn't want to talk to me? What if someone else was there?

A thousand and one more questions ran through my head faster than I had time to process them and my heart began to race even faster if possible. I had put so much time and effort into doing this, taking this step that for everything to fall through now would be heartbreaking.

I took one last deep breath and knocked on her door. Once. Twice. Three times.

_Please please please please please._

I heard soft footsteps and held my breath waiting for _her_ to open the door. Bella. Beautiful.

The door swung open and every last worry and concern instantly disappeared from my head. Every iota of breath left my lungs and I just freaking melted into a puddle of goo standing there.

Dear freaking god, my jaw fell open and I just … god.

She. Was. Naked.

Completely and fully stark naked.

And it was cold.

And there were piercings.

My eyes zeroed in on the little silver studs through her nipples first, completely ignoring every other part of her body. I'd always been a boob girl and suddenly I was a pierced boob girl.

My mouth fell open and I'm pretty sure a little bit of drool fell out the side. She was just so ... delicious looking. I just wanted to wrap my lips around her nipples and suck those little barbells into my mouth, pulling and teasing her with my teeth.

"Hey," she said breathlessly and took a step backwards, as if beckoning me into the room. Only then did I look down and see what I had been dreaming about.

She was completely bare … everywhere. My mouth watered and I licked my bottom lip a bit.

I took one step into her room and stood on the threshold to something bigger than myself. I could feel it surrounding us. There was that feel of electricity in the air that I had never felt before and honestly it left me kind of stunned and breathless.

Well, except the beautiful completely naked and pierced girl standing in front of me. I was beginning to believe that Bella had absolutely no shame. She acted like being naked was a completely normal thing for her and she seemed to be just as comfortable without clothing as she was with clothing.

I had never been around someone who was so willing to just put everything out there and honestly a part of me was really intimidated by this. Emmett always joked me about running around the house swinging in the wind, but thankfully he'd never actually done it. Looking back, it was probably because he knew how uncomfortable it would make me.

But Bella … she was different. She dared me to look away by standing there.

"So," she said casually and walked over to a big cushy chair that was pushed up against a wall. She collapsed into the chair and swung her leg over the arm of it, exposing herself to me. She threw her head back and her breasts jutted out further, calling me and practically begging me to touch them.

I stood there and was completely entranced by the sight. It was spectacular and terrifying and wonderful and scary at the same time. My body yelled at me to bury my head between her thighs, tell me she was offering herself up by sitting like this. My brain was screaming to say something, anything to break the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over us.

Her eyes bored into me and I finally looked away, turning to admire her room. She'd pushed the two twin beds together to make a much larger bed up against one corner of the room. So did this mean she had no roommate? Or did her roommate and her sleep in the same big bed? She had posters from various bands up on her walls, hastily taped up at the corners. I didn't recognize any of the bands except for Kelly Clarkson. Seriously … Bella was so … random.

There were a few candles on a rickety looking shelf, and the wax on them had been long burned down and melted into a pool around the pillars. There was a vase with a few orange gerbera daisies situated in it, a stark contrast to her black comforter that was on the big bed.

"So," she said again from behind me.

"Yeah," I mumbled and turned back around.

She'd moved her leg down so at least now I couldn't see heaven's gates taunting me from between her legs, but she still hadn't put any clothes on. Her silky brown hair fell down over her shoulders and covered the very tips of her breasts. I wanted to brush it away so I could see her fully.

My body unconsciously took one step towards her and she leaned forward a bit.

I felt my cheeks fill with heat and my stomach tightened.

Bella licked her lips slowly and I caught the glint of the moisture on them from the poor overhead lighting. I felt my arousal begin to gather in my underwear. She was doing it again, turning me on with the smallest of things.

I didn't know how much longer I could stay in there with her like that, naked and bare and just taunting me.

"So you're Alice," she said, her voice smooth and steady.

"Uh, yeah," I stumbled over my words.

"You're kinda cute," she grinned her wry grin at me.

I swallowed hard and spoke without thinking.

"You're fucking hot."

My eyes went wide and my hand clamped over my mouth. I couldn't believe I'd just said that to her. I was beyond embarrassed. Completely mortified.

Bella's deep brown eyes narrowed on me and that familiar sneer returned. Was she … sizing me up? That's certainly what it felt like all of a sudden.

She shifted in her seat and I thought I noticed her rubbing her legs together.

I had to get out of there. I don't know why. It was a sudden overwhelming urge to flee, to get far away, to run for it. Bella was the single most intimidating person I'd ever met in my life and I just had to … get out of there.

I turned towards the door and took one step forward.

Before I knew it, I was pressed up against the hardwood door. Bella's hands brushed the hair from my neck and her lips whispered against my ear. My eyes couldn't fight any longer and slid shut.

"You don't really want to do that, do you?" she said quietly and flicked her tongue out to gently lick the shell of my ear.

My stomach tightened and I felt more of my wetness drip.

"I-I don't know what I want," I answered in a shaky voice.

Bella's hands went to my shoulders and slowly turned me around to face her. She leaned into my face and traced one finger along my jaw line slowly.

"I think I know what you want," she said and her breath tickled my face.

She took one of my hands into her own and brought it up to her breast, placing it firmly over the mound. She squeezed my hand which caused me to squeeze her breast.

I felt the coldness of the piercing under my palm and I heard this strangled noise only to realize it was me making that noise.

Her breast was so … perfect. And soft. And definitely not fake.

She leaned back into my face and I felt her lips brush across mine. My breathing was painfully erratic but stopped completely when I felt her tongue snake out and gently lick my lower lip.

"You don't really want to leave, do you?" she asked into my mouth, her sweet breath mixing with my own.

"N-no," I mumbled.

"Good girl," she answered

I sensed her withdrawing her head and I dared to open my eyes.

What I saw there in front of me completely and utterly stunned me.

Her eyes were so deep and vast. So unending. I'd seen nothing like them. In her eyes I saw this burning desire, this smoldering fire that threatened to consume her if she wasn't careful. A fire that also threatened to consume me too.

She placed her palm on my cheek and half smiled, her eyes narrowing a bit on me.

"Now Alice, what am I going to do with you?" she asked.

I gulped and fought to maintain my consciousness.

From the moment I'd seen her, I knew we'd end up here. I knew that somehow this question would come up. That at some point I'd give everything to her. I'd been struggling with it since then and it was now with me pressed up against her naked body as she caressed my cheek that I knew my real answer.

"Anything you want," I said quietly.

The thing was … I meant it.

I was hers now.

The predator had caught its prey.


	6. Chapter 5: Consumption

**A/N: Just a warning that there is girl/girl sex in this chapter in case that makes you overly squeamish. Though honestly if you're squeamish, I would tend to wonder why you're here in the first place place. ;) **

**Dedicated to my favorite ladies. You know who you are.  
**

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 5: Consumption**

When I was fifteen I saw my first porno movie.

Lesbian of course.

I snuck on Emmett's laptop and did an internet search for 'lesbian porn.' Over thirteen million results popped up in the window and I clicked on the first one.

The reason I did this was I was getting my feet wet in the world of pussy, so to speak. I'd had my suspicions for awhile and I hadn't yet had the pleasure of experiencing the joy of heterosexual sex yet. Insert gratuitous eyeroll here, please.

Hours later, I was panting and short of breath with my hand cupping my now drenched crotch. From the short clips I watched, I learned how to pleasure myself.

Two weeks after that I made the decision that would alter the course of my life forever. I decided to see what the big deal with straight sex was. And well … you know how that turned out. It turned into me getting myself off after he left thinking he was this great sex god when in reality I was just a good actress and he was an egotistical prick.

I'd been with exactly five girls since then and I considered myself somewhat good at taking control of a situation.

Bella destroyed that the moment I first laid eyes on her. She took the power away from me and wrapped it around her finger, completely stunning me into submission. I didn't know how she did it, but she was damn good at it.

The way she pressed me into the door made my blood boil and every cell within me was alight with fire. The longer I looked into her eyes the harder I fell.

We stood there, neither making a move at all. My body was frozen and our eyes were locked. It was almost as if she was daring me to make a move, to take the upper hand in the situation. And normally I would have. I was so used to being the aggressor that this sudden shift in my way of doing things left me without a metaphorical leg to stand on.

I wasn't used to this at all. It kind of felt like being a virgin all over again. My first round in the submissive position. And more than likely it wouldn't be my last.

Minutes passed.

We stood there.

A stand-off.

Her eyes flitted over my body and drank me in. Mine did the same to hers.

I memorized every line, every curve, every dip, every indent. I imagined my fingers running over the skin, imagined the soft gasps and gentle whimpers I could elicit from her. I pictured her face as she came hard against my fingers. I wanted to see all of it. I wanted to taste all of it.

I knew how to get it.

I would have to submit.

Slowly, carefully I got down on my knees. I raised my hands out in front of me, palm side up.

I was showing her I was letting her have the power.

And by doing so, I was retaining my own power. That's what nobody really understands about the roles. By letting the dominant partner have her way, it is the submissive that truly gets what she wants. The submissive controls the relationship. The submissive is the one who calls the shots.

I wanted that power.

So I would let her think she controlled me.

Bella stepped towards me and brought her finger under my chin. She tilted it up and our eyes locked again. That same burning fire was there, but it was supplemented by something else as well. I saw something deeper in her mind lingering around the edges, just a little too far for me to understand. There was something in the back of her mind that I could see she was unwilling to recognize, but yet it was something that plagued her every second of every minute of every day.

I wanted to know what that something was.

"Very pretty," she murmured, more to herself than me but I heard it nonetheless.

"So very pretty," I said quietly in response.

She circled around me while I maintained my position, assessing me from all angles. Sizing me up again. Evaluating her catch. Determining if I were fit for consumption.

Bella nodded slightly and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

I had passed inspection.

She stepped back from me, never turning away. She backstepped towards her bed and sat down on the edge, spreading her legs and putting her palms on her knees.

"Alice," she called to me.

Bella's mouth turned up at the side and I began to figure out a bit of her game. She did that with her mouth when she was amused. This little thing we were doing was amusing her. I was a game. A play thing. A toy.

Just how long would it be until she grew tired of her shiny new toy and tossed me out like the rest? How long would it take until I was the one curled in the corner of the bed, mumbling incoherencies and emotionally destroyed?

I didn't know the answers to those questions, but if I had my say about them it would be a long time until those things happened to me.

Just because I was submitting to her didn't mean I was willing to go without a fight.

Just because I was on my knees didn't mean I was giving up.

Just because I would give her anything didn't mean I would give her everything.

Slowly I began to crawl towards her on my knees and I held my hands at my side to show her that I meant no harm. She clearly got off on having the power position and I would in no way threaten that. I wasn't about to spook her.

When I was right in front of her, she gently laid a finger on my cheek and dragged it down towards my chin. She tilted my face up to hers again and smirked at me. She threaded her hand through my short hair at the back of my neck and brought her face down to mine. I felt her hot breath across my face for the briefest second before her lips were on mine.

It was a kiss that was urgent and needy. She was trying to take something from me. Trying to show me who was boss. I let her control it, setting her own pace. I was no expert on psychology, but I could tell that she was missing something and she sought to find it within me.

Her tongue trailed across my lips, seeking entrance to my mouth. I parted my lips willingly and let her in. Her tongue wrapped around mine and stroked it, giving me a clue to what else she could do with her tongue if she wanted to. It would all be about what she wanted, not what I wanted. My needs would come second to hers.

That fact should have angered me, but it didn't for some reason. It only made me lean into her more. It made me want to stay when any sane person would have long ago ran for the hills.

Her hand gripped the back of my head harder and pushed me into her. Her tongue delved deeper in my mouth and I sucked on it lightly. She tasted a little like candy, but there was this other taste lurking behind it that made my mouth water and my arousal drip into my underwear.

My lungs were burning and I gasped for air when Bella pulled back, a satisfied look on her face. She was barely breathing any faster than normal and I realized she'd had lots of practice at kissing like that. Just taking command of it and getting her way.

She leaned back on the bed, placing her hands behind her. The movement jutted her breasts out to me again and my pussy twitched having those delicious piercings so close to my mouth.

She looked down at me through those long brown lashes of hers and I got the impression she wanted me to do something.

"Can I touch?" I asked.

Bella nodded and I sucked in air scented with her. It filled my head and made my thoughts swirl. God, she was just so beautiful and so perfect and so bare in front of me. I'd never been called to anyone the way she called to me. Luring me in.

I just wanted to drown in her.

My hands reached out and gingerly touched the smooth skin of her calves. Her expression didn't change at all. I pressed one finger, two fingers, my whole hand into her leg. Wrapped my hands around them.

I'd dreamed about touching her for so long.

But the reality of actually touching her was beyond my wildest imagination. My mouth watered and I knew from that that I was painfully close to losing control of myself.

I would need to slow down and pace myself if I wanted to maintain the upper hand here.

My fingers crept up her legs at an achingly slow speed, tracing contours and learning as they went. I pressed the first two fingers on each hand on the backside of Bella's knees and I saw her move incrementally, indicating to me that she was particularly tender there. I made a mental note of it.

I wrapped my hands around her thighs, not all the way around as my hands weren't big enough but enough to feel the power she held in them. Gently pushing her legs apart more, I shifted forward on my knees and moved a fraction closer.

The smell of her arousal permeated the air and though I longed to dive in between her legs and lap up everything she was willing to give me, I somehow maintained my cool façade.

Inside I was crumbling. Dying. Panting. Desperately screaming to take. To consume. To be consumed.

I noticed Bella's breathing had sped up and I could tell she was just as aroused as I was by my slow and careful movements. Briefly I wondered if any other girl had done this to her. Had submitted so fully and completely. Was I different for this?

My thumbs grazed over the highest part on her thighs I could go without actually touching her center and she gasped slightly and her hips moved forward of their own accord. Yes, I was having quite an affect on her.

To say I loved that I could affect her like this was an understatement. I reveled in it. I may have no had the willpower to stay away from her or the mindset that should have told me to be scared, but this was one way I could affect her. Maybe in time I could affect her in other ways. That prospect excited me.

Bella's legs spread more without me even having to move them and she brought her hips to the very edge of the bed, giving me more room to move in between them.

I looked up at her face and there was a fine sheen over her forehead and a delightful flush to her cheeks. Simply beautiful she was like this.

My head moved in closer and I grazed the tip of my nose over the very tip of her mound. She gasped again and bit her lip, probably trying to stop herself from making those small little noises I was trying to get out of her.

The very essence of her spread through me, and I couldn't stop myself from licking her from back to front. Just as I'd suspected, her taste was delicious. Beyond pale. Beyond comparison even. Tangy and sweet and wonderful.

I was greedy enough though that I wanted more. Always more of her.

My tongue pushed between her folds and found the pulsing nub of her clit, circling all around the edge without touching it directly. I sucked it into my mouth and flicked my tongue across it. Bella's hips began squirming and I tightened my hold on her thighs so that I could keep her still.

She was making these noises that were only turning me on more. Small whimpers and moans. Breathy whispers of "yes" and "more."

My right hand moved over from holding her thigh and ran up and down her slit. I spread the growing moisture around, both from her and my own mouth. I looked at her to see her reactions and she was looking down at me, biting her lip.

I smiled with her clit between my lips and pushed one finger into her at the same time, curling it upward slightly. Her mouth fell open and a much louder gasp fell from her lips.

Her hips thrust up into my mouth and my finger sank deeper within her. I began to move my finger in and out of her, adding another after a bit.

I could feel her begin to tighten around me, feel the edges of her orgasm building and threatening to consume her. I wanted more from her. I wanted her to soar into the heavens and fall back to Earth with frightening power.

I wanted to see her come apart as she came into my mouth.

Sucking her clit into my mouth again, my tongue began furiously flicking at it and tracing all around. Up and across. Down and sideways. My fingers moved faster and I curved them to reach that spot I knew would rocket her skywards.

She wasn't just bucking against me now; she was practically riding my fingers and mouth.

I had one last trick up my sleeve to make her cum harder than she'd ever cum before.

My fingers thrust one more time and I curved them more, while at the same time biting down lightly on her clit.

There.

That was what I was looking for.

Her mouth fell open again and her back arched violently, thrusting her center into my mouth as she came. I could feel the convulsions of her climax surging through her body. She was so beautiful like this, so vulnerable. I never wanted her to stop looking like she did as she came. It was the single best sight I'd ever seen.

I drank her in as she gave me everything and slowly came back to herself. I made sure to get everything, licking all over and placing kisses all around. My fingers gently touched her, knowing that she was probably very tender and sensitive from such a massive orgasm. There would be time enough for more later.

Now it was time to even the playing field a bit.

I very slowly rose from my knees and kissed up her stomach, listening to her panting breathes and attuning myself even further to the needs of her body.

I pushed on her shoulders gently and since she was still weak from her orgasm, she allowed herself to be pushed back onto the bed. She moved her hands to my hips, as if to say that she was still the more powerful one. I wrapped my hands around hers and slowly lifted my shirt over my head. I didn't fail to notice the Bella's hips minutely thrust into mine as my bare breasts were revealed. I'd purposely chosen not to wear a bra, though in actuality I didn't really need one. I wasn't small by any means, but they didn't necessarily always need supporting.

When the shirt was over my head, Bella's lips found mine and hungrily devoured me. Her tongue darted into my mouth and I knew she could still taste herself. She groaned into me and I exhaled into her.

I let her set the pace of the kiss and pressed my chest to hers. The tiny barbells were cool against my overheated skin and it sent minute shivers down my spine.

Bella's hands went to the zipper on my jeans and took care of it with ease. I lifted my hips and she slid both my pants and underwear down as far as they would go before using her feet to push them the rest of the way off.

I laid my naked body flat over hers and despite the size difference I had this feeling like I was surrounding her. Like I was giving her something she didn't have. That I was in some way making up for her shortcomings.

Her eyes glinted in from the overhead light and I caught another glimpse of that something lingering around the edges of her mind. Like even through witnessing her violent climax I hadn't really seen her. Like she was still keeping something and maintaining this wall around her most precious self.

I didn't know what she could possibly be hiding, but I wanted to know with everything in me. I wanted to see the real Bella.

A part of me felt like there was a reason she was so controlling and manipulating like this. I still barely knew her and maybe it was only a gut feeling, but there was definitely something nobody knew about her that she carried around with her.

Bella smiled that half smile at me and rolled us so she was on top of me. Maybe it was her way of regaining the power position now that I was no longer on my knees in front of her.

She nudged my legs apart with her knee and ground her hips into mine. Her breasts rubbed into me and I felt her hardened nipples graze across my own. I shivered from the exquisite feeling.

She leaned down into my face and licked me from chin to ear slowly. She nibbled around the edges of my ear, finally taking my earlobe into her mouth and biting lightly.

"You've been a very good girl," she said and took both of my wrists into her hands, raising them over my head.

My legs wrapped around hers and my hips thrust upwards to find her heat.

"What does that mean?" I asked, my voice low and throaty.

She pressed her lips to mine, hungry for more already. Her tongue traced the line of my lips before she whispered softly against them.

"Good girls get rewarded."


	7. Chapter 6: Something New

**A/N: The songs for this chapter is Muse's "Time Is Running Out" and Rob Pattinson's "Stray Dog." **

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 6: Something New**

"_Good girls get rewarded." _

Bella's eyes glinted with what she was planning for me and she moved us up the bed so that my head was resting on a pillow at the top. Leaning her body back, she took both of my breasts into her hands and squeezed like she'd done with my hands to her own breasts earlier.

As she took my nipples between her thumb and forefinger she smiled sweetly at me.

"Well, these are certainly fun little things, aren't they?" she grinned.

I nodded my head, unsure of if I would be able to get words out.

I'd felt so in control with her only minutes previous, my fingers pumping in and out of her and my mouth bringing her to climax. But now … now I wasn't so sure. The way she was looking at me combined with how my body was reacting to her touch were making my resolve to stay afloat painfully hard.

Bella brought her hand up to cradle the side of my face and out of the corner of my eye I saw more fine black script on the inside of her wrist. I rolled my head to the side slightly and brought my hand up to hers.

Moving her hand so I could see her wrist, I read the writing there.

"Freedom," I whispered and turned my head back to face her.

She was a mask of complete blankness. I could read nothing from her expression and something told me that this was a practiced look for her. I smiled at her, trying to crack through the hard exterior she'd constructed so quickly.

I brought her wrist to my lips and kissed the inked skin gently, again whispering the word printed there.

For a quick moment I thought I saw tears begin to form in her eyes, but she blinked them away before I could make anything of them.

Bella's hips ground into mine and I groaned from the exquisite feeling of it. I don't know if she was trying to distract me from whatever I was thinking, but if she was it certainly worked. She writhed her wrist away from my grasp and took hold of my forearms. She brought them over my head and held them both in one hand.

She leaned over me and opened the side drawer on the little wooden nightstand the university residences included in the dorm rooms. She rifled around in there for a moment before grinning wickedly at me and slowly licking her lips.

"If you would like your reward, you're going to have to close your eyes," she said and her eyes narrowed on me with her grin widening.

Despite having no idea what she could possibly have in store for a reward and really having no reason to trust her, I did as I was told. Just another part of controlling her by submitting to her.

She moved off of me and though I was tempted to move my arms from down over my head and open my eyes I stayed just where I was. I was actually rather intrigued what she could possibly come up with.

I heard some rustling of something and some other sounds I couldn't quite place. My heart began to race and my mouth went dry. This game we were playing was exciting. It was different than anything I'd done before.

All the other girls in my past were so predictable. Fingers first, oral second and if I was lucky they'd repeat on the fingers. In a way I thought all lesbians were like this. I had yet to encounter for one who would do something different or could surprise me.

Maybe that's what I liked so much about Bella. She had yet to do one thing that I would deem as 'predictable' in the short time I had known her. Well, as much as I actually 'knew' her. She'd said barely a dozen words to me before I'd dropped to my knees and thrust my tongue into her pussy, evidence enough that she was different. Maybe it was the alluring attraction I felt to her. The way my body seemed to rotate around her whenever she was near. It was like she was the center of some twisted universe and I was merely a satellite rotating around her magnificence.

"Baby, I have a question for you," Bella said and I felt her presence at the foot of the bed.

"Yes?" I answered and kept my eyes shut for some strange reason.

I could almost picture the knowing smirk she probably had plastered on her face now, especially since I was following her instructions the letter. I hadn't moved or opened my eyes since she told me to do so.

"Have you ever been fucked by a girl?" she said.

My eyes flew open and Bella stood there at the foot of the bed with the most gorgeous looking thing I'd ever seen. It looked somewhat like a thong, but the difference between the thing she was wearing and any normal piece of lingerie was that a beautiful purple fake cock dangled between her legs.

She was wearing a strap-on.

Dear freaking god.

I'd seen them in enough lesbian pornos to know what they were and I would be a liar if I said I hadn't fantasized about them before. I'd never personally experienced one and I could feel myself getting exponentially wetter just looking at the beautiful thing in front of me.

I bit my lip hard and shook my head violently side to side.

There had been one girl who had suggested using a toy in bed and when I'd seen the thing I'd vehemently turned the idea down. It was veiny and gross and all too realistic for my taste. I was a lesbian for god sakes. Cock turned me off so why the hell would I want to use a sex toy that looked like the real thing?

But the toy Bella had was … different. Smooth and only slightly bulbous at the end. It curved up gently and I knew it would hit all the right spots within me if I let her use it.

And dear god, I wanted her to use it. I wanted her to fuck me with it.

"I'm glad you say that," Bella said and took hold of one of my legs, pulling them apart and slowly crawling up on the bed.

She kneeled between me and spread my legs even further.

"Do you know why I like that, Alice?" she asked and palmed one of my thighs, rubbing hard circles into my soft flesh there.

My stomach clenched and my nipples further hardened.

This game … this thing … this submission … whatever it was we were doing was playing with my head. I came into the room to be completely shocked and surprised by what I found. Bella naked and beautiful before me, inviting me to bury my face between her legs and suck down heaven.

I had managed to turn her supposed power into my own for one round, but now this round I felt all of my power seeping away. And I almost liked that feeling. I liked feeling like I could turn over even a small amount of power to her.

"Do you?" she asked again, reminding me of her question that I had almost forgotten.

I shook my head, still unsure of my speaking capability.

Bella wrapped her hands around my knees and squeezed before scooting up closer to my now drenched center. I could feel the tip of the toy rubbing against me and I gasped from the sensation.

One of her hands let go of my legs and grabbed hold of the toy between her legs. She slowly, painfully rubbed the cock all round my wetness, lubricating it with my own juices.

My back arched slightly off the bed and my arms forgot to stay in their previous position, finding their way to grab hold of the pillows underneath my head.

Bella let the very tip of the cock push into me and the stretching feeling made me gasp.

"Because I want this to be the best fuck you've ever had. I want you to never forget me. To know that only I can make you feel like this. I want you to compare every girl after me to me," she grunted and thrust into me in one smooth stroke.

I moaned and Bella leaned forward, letting her legs move and slip under mine slightly. My legs wrapped instinctually around her lips, thus allowing her deeper thrusts.

She moved slowly at first and I got the impression she was testing me again. Seeing if I could handle her. Seeing if I was good enough to deserve this reward.

Her right hand grabbed onto my left breast and she palmed the whole thing, rolling the erect nipple between her fingers after a moment.

"I like this," she said between thrusts with a furrowed brow.

I reached up a hand toward her piercings and lightly fingered the right one.

"I like these," I gasped out.

"Me too," she grinned and thrust hard into me.

Her rhythm was amazing and I found myself quickly on the borders of my orgasm. That familiar tightening in my stomach. That feeling like any small movement could set me flying. The quivering in my legs. I could feel all the blood rushing to my face and spreading the all too familiar sex glow across my cheeks.

As she rocked into me I knew I would be sore tomorrow. That more than likely I would be waking gingerly around no matter what I would be doing.

Though honestly? I didn't want her to stop. I wanted to stay here with her like this, forever locked in this twisted power game we were having. I didn't know who would ultimately win, but I knew it would be a hell of a ride to get there. That more than likely one of us would end up completely fucked up and crazy in the end and there would be tears shed, but that it would be worth it. That we would come through on the other side from the hurt and pain and power and head games.

Yes, I felt like she was taking something from me, but I wanted to give her something. I wouldn't have been here if I was willing to give up a part of me. I'd never been in any type of serious relationship before and I knew I could hardly count what I was doing with Bella as a 'relationship,' but I definitely felt this strange and unusually strong connection with her. Like we were both giving something to each other while at the same time taking. Symbiosis if you will.

Bella leaned into me and her arms wrapped around my shoulders, somewhat pulling me off the bed. My head was in the crook of her shoulder and her hair fell around my head, cocooning me to her. We were in own little world here, connected while still not being connected. There was no part of her actually body that was connected to me, but we were definitely connected.

She kissed up and down the side of my face and I felt her thrusts getting more urgent and needy. She was trying to bring me there, bring me higher. Bring me to the most glorious and explosive orgasm I'd had in probably my whole life. More than the first time with my own fingers, more than the first time another girl had touched me to please me.

Her breasts pressed into my chest and my hands clawed at the smooth skin of her back. I had no claim on her beyond experiencing these fleeting few moments with her, but in a way I felt like I was marking her by dragging my stubby fingernails across her back. If Bella would throw me aside after this and pick up with a new shiny toy, I wanted the next girl to know that there had been someone amazing before her. That she had given her an amazing ride no matter what happened after this.

Her hips rocked violently into me and my mouth fell open in a strangled cry. I was so close that all I needed was just a little more.

She clutched me to her like I was a life preserver after being thrown overboard. Like she wanted me to save her. To hold her above water.

Our groans and whimpers mixed together into a symphony of sex and I found her sounds indistinguishable from mine. We were getting to that point where I didn't know where she ended and I began. Her body was molding to mine and we were becoming one. A mingling of our very essences.

It was painful and it was beautiful and it was glorious.

It was us.

"Cum for me, Alice. Let me see you cum," Bella whispered into my ear and angled her hips into mine, hitting my sweet spot and rubbing hard against it.

And as if her words were magic, I came.

Harder than I ever had.

My body clenched and convulsed, shook and shuddered. There had been others before who had made me cum, but none had made me feel like this. None had rocketed me into another universe as she had.

She continued the movement of her hips though slowed enough that I could no feel each and every stroke she gifted me with. It felt for the briefest second that she was doing more than just acting out of pure lust and carnal desire. It felt like there was some deeper emotion behind the movement of her body now.

Almost as if I was something else, someone else. I couldn't tell you what made me think this and I couldn't have pinpointed it if I tried, but the feeling was definitely there.

My consciousness slowly came back into my body and my breathing gradually evened out.

Bella had pulled the toy out of me and was pushing her body onto mine, her hips still pressing into mine. She hadn't taken the strap-on off and I felt it pushing against my center, rubbing between my wet and sensitive folds.

"Ssshh," she cooed quietly and caressed my cheek with the back of her hand.

I sensed a slight shift in her from her actions. This Bella was a different Bella than minutes earlier. This one was comforting and soothing. She was concerned about my wellbeing, my sanity, my very self. She wasn't out to take anything from me, but instead was giving. She wanted me to be calm. To feel safe. To feel … wanted.

I leaned into her touch and my eyes found hers.

The depth of what I saw was as beautiful as it ever was with her. They way they reflected back at me made me think that she was actually looking at me instead of just seeing me. That I had turned from a mere plaything into … that something she seemed to be looking for.

It was just a feeling though.

I had nothing to back this feeling up.

She shifted her body and wriggled her hips a bit, and I leaned my head down to see her shimmying off the straps from her body with her free hand. I reached my hands down and helped her get it off a bit, kissing the side of her neck as my head moved.

She was sweet there, tasting like fruit and freshness.

Bella kicked the toy off the end of the bed and onto the floor with her feet and brought her hand up to palm my hip. She began rubbing small circles into it and nipped at the skin under my ear with her teeth.

We laid there for awhile longer, groping at each other's naked bodies, until we both began to get lull off into sleep. Bella pulled the black sheets over us and rolled us so we were on our sides. Her hand reached around my body and pulled me right against her. I felt her piercings press into my chest as she buried her head in my neck.

It was the briefest eternity before I realized she'd fallen asleep. I felt her body relax under my touch and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in her head. What she was dreaming about. What she was thinking about.

Was it me?

Was it what we'd just done?

The shift I'd felt for just that quick second?

As I drifted off into my own deep sleep, I caught the lowest of sobs coming from deep within Bella's chest. It was just one though and I wasn't entirely sure I'd actually heard it.

I glanced over at the bedside clock before my eyelids fluttered shut.

I'd been there six hours.

Six hours had changed my life.

Six hours had turned everything I thought I knew about Bella upside down and thrown me completely off kilter.

In six hours I had lost myself and found someone else.


	8. Chapter 7: Candle Flame

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 7: Candle Flame**

I think I was dreaming.

I mean, I'm pretty sure I was dreaming because I was running through this big freaking maze. Walls upon walls. Strangled passage ways. Dead ends. All those crazy maze-type things.

But the weird part was that I was chasing Bella. I kept getting quick glances of her, flashes of her brown hair or her pale skin or her big wide eyes. She was in front of me, running just a little too fast for me to keep up and she seemed to know her way much better than I did through the crazy, confusing web of walls.

Every now and then I heard her. Her muffled sobs or soft tinkling laughter. Wildly swinging from both extremes.

I wanted to catch her, to take her into my arms and make everything better. I wanted to make her safe, to show her that there was more than this race she seemed to be having with herself.

I didn't know if she was running away from something or running toward something, but whatever was going on she was definitely running.

It almost made me feel like she was running away from me. From what I could be for her.

Despite these things, I kept running.

Turning one corner, I almost caught her, but she was once again too fast for me. Her hair blew out behind her and I reached out my hand, the soft tresses running through my fingers. So silky, so beautiful. Almost violently so.

Everything about Bella was like that. She had this violent edge to her. Like any minute she could snap and slit my throat.

It's a strange thing to be so painfully attracted to someone that even the thought of dying at their hands didn't scare me away.

Always more running.

And just like that, the walls disappeared. It was nothing but me and Bella running up a hill. Steadily climbing to the top that looked so far away. My lungs burned and my legs ached as I chased after her.

She beat me to the top and just stood there, looking out up on what she saw.

I stopped a few steps from her and waited to see what she would do. If she would turn around back towards me or make some other move I didn't want to think of. I held my breathe and waited.

A gentle breeze blew up around us and Bella's hair whipped around her head. I shivered down to my very core. I could feel there was something hanging in the air around us, just waiting to fall and crush us both. That there was something going unsaid. Something that could unlock every secret Bella held and let me see who she really was.

My heart plummeted into my stomach the moment I saw her start to turn around to face me. Whatever was going through her head was not good. It was not pleasant and it was not easy.

Her eyes locked with mine and I saw a great sadness there. A past that was shrouding her future. Clouding her way. Making both of our lives difficult, but hers practically impossible.

I saw her lips move and her gentle voice reached my ears barely a heartbeat later.

"You can't save me."

Her eyes sought forgiveness and I cried out as I saw her step backwards and disappear of the cliff's edge.

I ran forward and looked on in horror as I watched her dive into the black depths below me, disappearing into the nothingness that waited to consume her there.

I'd never even said goodbye.

XXXXX

I forced my eyes open from the nightmare and wished with all of my being that what I'd just seen wasn't real. I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to see Bella fall to her death.

Well, I didn't want to see anybody fall to their death but especially not Bella.

My fingers curled around the black sheets and pulled them closer to my naked body. I snuggled back into the welcoming embrace of soft fabric and didn't find anything behind me. Not the warm body I expected there.

I sat up with a start and the soft amber flickering of a candle was the only light in the darkened room. It was a big pillar candle with thick wax drippings along its length, golden and slightly shimmering in the candle's glow.

Looking around the room, I made out Bella sitting in the plush chair on the other side of the room. She was still completely naked. Her eyes were lidded and watching me. She'd been … watching me as I slept.

"Hey," I breathed into the tense atmosphere.

Bella didn't respond. She just shifted forward so her legs were spread and her elbows were on her knees, her hands cradling her face. Her hair fell in a curtain around her and I had to resist the urge to bound out of bed and brush it aside.

I pulled the sheet to cover my bare chest and waited for her to say something, to do something.

She didn't.

She just sat there, who knows what running through her mind as every conceivable thing ran through mine.

Would she kick me out on my naked ass? Was I not good enough? Did I not measure up? Was she disappointed in me?

And more importantly, where in the world had that dream come from? A dream that was quickly flowing from my mind and only leaving hazy remnants in its place.

Neither of us dared to speak or move or practically even breathe. There was something important about this moment that we were sharing like this by not really sharing. Something that I longed to know about and longed to be let in on.

I wanted in her head even if she didn't want me there. I wanted to know her darkest secrets even if she was scared of them.

And I wanted her to know mine. I wanted her to know about the years I'd had to hide myself from my parents, from my friends, from my community. About the nights I'd cried myself to sleep knowing that I couldn't really be myself. About the mornings I'd woken up and put on the mask.

About how I had to get away to know who I really was.

The minutes slowly ticked by and I heard a door closing outside the cocoon of Bella's room.

This was a different game of wills we were playing now. It wasn't the intense power-driven game we played earlier. There was no dominant and submissive here, only two lost souls on the path of life. We were both wanders, both lost in the night. There was no winner and instead only losers.

I couldn't help but think that maybe I'd given more to her than I originally thought and that she'd given me something she hadn't intended. That she'd unlocked a part of her that she hadn't before and that she was scared of this.

That maybe someone had seen through her façade and played her game so perfectly, and by doing so had ruined the game entirely.

Bella shifted again after awhile and brought her head up. Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears and her fingers absentmindedly wiped at them.

My heart clenched at seeing her like this. Vulnerable. Open. Soft.

I wondered if anybody had seen her like this before.

If I was somehow different.

Bella looked away and blinked, breaking our locked gazes.

She sniffled quietly and then hiccupped.

"Alice," she said so softly I almost missed it.

I found my body moving out of the big bed before I knew what I was doing and then I was kneeling in front of her on the floor. Not submitting, just there. It didn't matter who was dominant. It mattered that I was there for her.

I sensed her pain, her heartache, that something she was carrying around like a lead weight attached to her soul. It held her down and kept her from truly soaring into the heavens. I wanted to take it off her, to free her from this thing she was burdened with.

When I wrapped my hand around her calf, her breath came out in a low gasp. She was surprised at my touch. I softly palmed her skin there, feeling the warmth emanating from her body. I could feel the faint pulse of her heart from the rushing blood just beneath the surface of her skin and it warmed my own body to know she was reacting to me.

I raised myself and slowly palmed her other leg.

Her breathing quickened and I began to smell the arousal I was inspiring within her. I placed a soft kiss on either knee and spread her legs a little further. My fingers grazed up her skin, feeling the softness there and exploring the land I was intent on claiming as my own. It was so egotistical of me to believe I could make Bella mine especially given what I had been told of her, but I wanted that. Dear god, I wanted it.

My tongue snaked out between lips and traced patterns on the inside of her thighs before biting gently, marking my territory. Marking what I already considered mine.

Bella gasped much louder this time and her hips squirmed in the chair towards me, her body obviously trying to direct me to where it needed me most.

I slowly stood up and let my hands trail up Bella's body just as slowly. My hands cupped her breasts and my thumbs grazed her pierced nipples. Her eyes searched out mine, imploring me for more, for something else.

The little barbells in her nipples mocked me, daring me to take more. To claim more. To go forward with whatever I wanted to do.

I felt her fingertips graze over the soft swell of my ass and gently dig into the fleshy rounds of my cheeks. I took a step and nudged both of her legs closed with my knees on either side of her legs. She brought them closed and I stepped in again, straddling her legs.

My hands moved to her face, cupping her face and ghosting over her cheekbones.

I lowered myself onto her lap and pressed my chest against hers. Nakedness to nakedness. Bare as the day we were both born.

Beautiful.

I could feel the heat between her legs against my own heat and I shivered despite the warmth of our combined bodies.

It was a moment bigger than the both of us. It was about more than sex. It was about connecting. About sharing something between us that neither of us wanted to speak of. It was faith and lust and love and desire and humanity and sharing and togetherness.

My lips found hers as my arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her into me. Her hands clutched at my back and her short nails ripped into my skin. It was violent and necessary. It was everything she was meaning to say without words. It was everything she couldn't say.

She buried her head in my neck and I felt the sobs rip through her body rather than heard them. Her tears flowed over my breast as I rocked her in my arms with my legs hanging over hers on either side.

It was a long time before her cries subsided, but I was there through every tear, every hiccup, every tremble.

This was the real Bella. Not the tough shell she put on for the world to see. The real Bella was damaged and broken in my arms. She needed fixing. She needed help.

I didn't say anything to her, something telling me that words weren't necessary. They wouldn't do her any good. She needed more than words, more than my body. She needed my soul. She needed my help.

When her tears slowed and her body calmed, her lips whispered into my skin.

"I'm not good for you, Alice," she said quietly.

"I don't care," I said back and held her closer.

I felt her heartbeat against mine and her breasts pressed into mine.

Our bodies molded together in that chair, both of us clutching at something we were searching for in the other. If I could have I would have crawled underneath her skin then. Crawled into her body and taken her soul into my own.

We sat like that for a long time as the candle burned down, big drips of wax pouring over the edge. The candle was almost half gone by the time she spoke again.

"You should stay away from me," Bella said and her breath hot against my neck tickled.

I sighed deeply and caressed the bumps of her spine.

"Not even considering that," I mumbled back.

Bella kissed my shoulder and let out her own sigh.

"You're so stupid sometimes," she chuckled lowly.

"I don't deny that," I laughed back darkly.

Her hand reached down and squeezed the curve of my ass cheek.

"You have no sense of self preservation," she commented.

"You have no sense of shame," I responded.

She laughed.

"True."

My fingers traced the tattoo on her lower back and I again wondered about the meaning behind it. I'd seen enough of Bella to know that everything she did had meaning and I assumed that thing was no different.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," she said quietly.

"I think I'll take my chances."

She sighed again and kissed my shoulder.

"You taste like sex," she chuckled.

I kissed the exposed skin of her arm and licked it to taste her.

"So do you," I answered.

Bella rocked her hips against me and my breath caught in my throat. I wanted her again, over and over. But I wanted it on my terms. I wanted it to be without any games, without any pretenses or head trips. I wanted her wholly and completely. I wanted to know her inside and out.

I had no idea how long I would last or if I would be any different.

I had no idea what was in that head of hers.

I had no idea what her life had been like.

I had no idea what was plaguing her so horribly.

I had no idea why she did what she did.

But for some reason all of those things were okay.

Bella seemed willing to let me in. Willing to show me. To keep me around, even if for a short amount of time.

I would take whatever she would give me.

My hands brushed over her smooth back and lingered on the sides of her breasts. She pulled back from me enough that I could cup her breasts again.

Her lips pressed to mine and our tongues reached out to each other. They tangled in a meeting of more than just our bodies. She was reaching out to me in more than just this simple way.

She was reaching out from deep within herself too.

And I was reaching back.

I needed her just as much as she needed me.

Bella broke away and her long eyelashes fluttered on her cheeks. She was simply breathtakingly beautiful to me.

I gently squeezed her breasts and nipped at her jawline with my lips.

"Come back to bed," I whispered into her ear.

She nodded as my lips kissed her earlobe.

It wasn't a battle of our wills anymore. It wasn't a battle for who was right and who was wrong. Or who was top and who was bottom.

It was a battle to see who could stay afloat.

To see how long we would last.

To see how long I could last.

I knew time was against me with Bella.

I wanted to make every second worth it.

Because she was worth it.

I would try for her.


	9. Chapter 8: Unlovable

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 8: Unlovable**

**Bella**

I never mean to hurt them.

I never set out to destroy souls.

But somehow it is always what happens. Whether minutes, hours or days from the first time they set eyes on me, they always end up in tears. Girls upon girls upon girls.

The thing is … I can't find it within me to care. I always tell myself there will be another. Another pretty face. Another great body. Another pair of round, perky tits. They always find me. Always lure me. Always bring me out of the pit if but for a short while.

But there's always something wrong about them.

One had those annoying acrylic nails and liked to tap them on absolutely everything. Another had an odd shaped birthmark over her left breast. There was one with knobby knees I didn't particularly like. Or the one who had grunted while she slept.

Maybe I was just looking too closely at them. Looking for something wrong to justify getting rid of them like last week's trash. Something that would let me sleep at night knowing I had probably just destroyed another girl.

As if I actually slept anyways.

I hadn't slept a lot since … well, since a long time.

The nightmares were too tough.

I took to watching whatever new warm body graced by bed as she slept. I would wonder what they dreamed about, if anybody had such vivid and terrifying dreams as I did when I closed my eyes. If other people woke up in cold sweats, thrashing around and tangling up in sheets and someone else's limbs.

No, probably not. At least not like I did.

I watched as their lives turned from a low smoldering ember into a full fledged inferno and then were snuffed out at a moment's notice. The moment I decided I had enough of them. The moment I finally pushed them away.

I couldn't handle letting anybody in. Letting anybody see me, truly see me. If they saw what I was really like, what really went on in my head, they would run. Run far away as fast as they could. Nobody could handle my twisted psyche or ruined mind. I could barely handle it. Nobody deserved to be put through that misery of reading my dramatic mood swings and have to deal with them.

I was broken goods, used goods. I didn't deserve to be given anything or have anything good or perfect in my life. I would sit on the shelf and wait for someone to slowly crawl their cart by me while my arms flailed and I shouted "Pick me! Pick me!"

But nobody ever reached out to me. Nobody picked me up.

Nobody wanted me.

So instead I decided to do my own reaching.

I became a trawler.

Maybe then I could handle the rejection. The mistrust. The denial of self and others.

I took a liking to straight girls, ones untainted by the bodies of other women. Some were virgins, some were not. That didn't really matter to me honestly. Just that they were untouched by another woman.

I wanted to be the first to travel those uncharted territories. The first to make a girl cum as I pressed my breasts into hers. There is no singular feeling in the world like fucking a girl so thoroughly that they can't walk the next day. To break and abuse them for my own purposes. To know that for as long as they lived they would remember me.

Because that's what I really wanted.

To be remembered.

To know that years from now they would look back upon me and my face would be as clear as if they'd seem me yesterday.

I'd been forgotten before, left behind to suffer and rot and die a slow death. I would never suffer the same fate as I had before. There would be no leaving, no forgetting and certainly no changing.

I was stuck in an endless cycle though.

Swinging violently from one extreme to the other. Playing with their minds by luring them in. Trapping my prey. The look in their eyes the first time they realized I'd found a new target set my blood racing every time. The thrill of the hunt was the best. Absolutely amazing if you ask me.

Fucking them to within an inch of their life. Them fucking me. Showing them what I wanted, what I demanded from them. Some resisted more than others. No one seemed to understand the game. No one seemed to understand that if you just did what I asked I would let you have what you wanted.

Was it too much to ask to find someone who had the least bit of intelligence? Someone who could string more than a few words together in something that passed for a sentence?

Apparently so.

Yet another thing I found so wrong with most girls.

It was never a question of faith for me. God had long since abandoned me. He or she or it or whatever long since stopped listening and answering me. In my darkest hour I had been given no reprieve and found no solace in whispered words into the black of night. Nobody was listening to me.

There have been some who say I have no soul. That I am a heartless bitch who feeds on the misery of others. That I do this _thing _to girls to get my sick jollies from it.

But they're wrong.

I do it to survive.

To find for that fleeting moment some measure of peace. To let go of everything that is weighing me down from the past. All the shit I had to endure and survive. When my body shudders and contracts, I feel weightless. I fly free. I simply leave everything behind.

All the fears. The guilt. The memories. The pain. The hurt. The emptiness. Everything that poisons me for the world. That makes me unworthy of anybody's attention and love and compassion.

I am unlovable.

I know that.

So I do what I can. I find love in other places. I find devotion from a girl on her knees and giving her will to me. Letting me control her. Letting me set the pace. Letting me take what I want from her and then when she has no more to give throwing her out on her ass.

It is wrong, but it is all I know.

I've never known any other way.

But here tucked in the warm embrace of one I never intended to pursue, I was questioning everything.

This small girl with wide eye, beautiful small breasts and short dark hair had done something no other girl had done before her. She had given herself completely over to me.

From the moment I had first seen her, I sensed something about her. Something … different. It wasn't a game I was used to playing honestly. It unnerved me, so I had to take control the only way I knew how.

I used my body.

Her eyes on me challenged every ounce of self control I had. I wasn't used to playing with my food like this, so to speak. If I saw something I liked, I simply took. And I liked this doe-eyed, fresh-faced nymph of a girl. She had an air of innocence around her that made my mouth water and my pussy clench and drip.

I told her my room number … my room I had all to myself. The university long since gave up trying to find a roommate who could handle me. Of course it also helps my grandfather was a major donor to the fund for the new library. I'm pretty sure he paid for at least seventy percent of the building.

I half expected her to show up on my doorstep immediately after the elevator doors closed.

But she didn't.

She took agonizingly long.

She came though.

They always did.

I looked through the spy hole on the door and saw her there, nervous and twitchy and immediately stripped off all my clothes. It was a base instinct to do so. To strip away everything and let to see all of me.

Maybe in the back of my mind I wanted to scare her away before she got in too deep. Maybe I had finally found one girl I wasn't willing to corrupt. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Always more maybes with me.

She didn't run though.

She only was more drawn in.

She was definitely different.

And then she got down on her fucking knees. Without me asking. I just about lost it then. She answered my every unasked question and followed all of my unspoken commands perfectly.

More importantly, she knew how to please me. Knew how to make me cum. I have to say, that's the worst. When you have to teach a girl how to tongue and finger fuck you before you can even get off. It's really not that difficult, but they always seem to screw it up somehow.

I'd found myself a bona fide lesbian. For the first time, I'd actually been attracted to a girl who wasn't straight. That's what was so different about her.

As I rocked my favorite toy into her and roughly grabbed at those pretty breasts of hers, there was only one thought running through my head.

I was fucking petrified.

When her face twisted up as she came hard and strong and fast on my strap-on cock, I knew there was no going back. I couldn't simply throw her out any more. I couldn't break her heart and discard her for another.

But I knew I would. I would destroy her like I destroyed everything I touched.

I would ruin her like every girl before her and the idea that she would be bent and broken because of me pained me like no other.

She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and yet I knew there was no stopping the inevitable reaction I always had whenever anybody got too close. It was instinct. Self preservation. Survival.

I used them for my own purposes but when they got too close they had to go. I didn't let them in because to see into my soul was a fate worse than death. It was like peering into the black of night knowing there was a crazed lunatic out there, just waiting to hack you to pieces.

If they knew me, really knew me, I would have no one. I wouldn't even have the short, sporadic bursts of companionship I had. I would have no one.

So I didn't let anybody in.

But I didn't have to say anything to her and yet she seemed to already know me. To see beyond all the shit and gaze straight into me. It was unnerving and unsettling and inspiring.

That girl … Alice … she fucking terrified me.

Made me lose control and do something I didn't normally do.

She made me cry.

I actually cried in front of tail.

I would have to reclaim my power in the morning.

As I let myself be pulled back into bed and Alice's warm arms circle around my naked body, there was a brief moment where I wondered if the power was even worth it. If I wanted my power back. If all this shit was doing me any good.

Her lips pressed to my temple and she whispered something against my skin, but I couldn't hear it.

In the blackness of night, I needed her.

I let myself succumb to her that night.

I would break her, I knew it.

And my own heart was already breaking just to think of it.

She was too good, too pure, too innocent to have me. I was the blackest of the black. As she didn't deserve me, I didn't deserve her.

I would need to find some way to make her see that.

Some way to get her to leave me before I left her.

XXXXX

**Alice**

Bella talked while she slept. And kicked too.

I heard random mumblings of "don't go" and "not you too" while I held her tight against me, wanting and willing her pain away. I could see it consuming her. I could see something weighing her down.

It was painful to watch someone who was seemingly so broken break down even further. My heart clenched in my chest as memories of past tears ripped through her body.

She thrashed around in my arms and there were times I actually had to physically restrain her so she wouldn't hurt me. I may have been small, but I had a surprising amount of strength in my little body.

She was having nightmares, I could tell that much. Reliving something that was so horrible and horrific that she wouldn't dare speak of it in the daytime and instead relegated the memory to her subconscious.

I wished she would talk about them, try to get the memories out of her head.

I didn't know if I was the right person to do this though. As much as I wanted to save her, to help her, I wasn't sure how. The most obvious option was just to be there for her, but from Bella's track record I wasn't sure how long that would be.

I slept fitfully that night, waking up frequently whenever Bella would cry out particularly loud or kick particularly hard. Most people would have called it a crappy night sleep, but I called it the best night sleep I'd had in awhile.

There was just something about sleeping wrapped up in another's embrace that made even the worst nights tolerable. And to have such a beautiful creature be the person made it simply extraordinary.

The next morning I woke to find Bella's deep brown eyes staring into mine. They were flat and dead and I couldn't read anything from them surprisingly. I'd been able to see so far into her head last night just by looking into her eyes that this change shocked me.

In the light of day, all the walls were back up. The power play had resumed and there was no stopping it.

"I'm gonna make you cum," she stated flatly and grinned wickedly at me.

Oh yes, the game was definitely back on. By her words alone I felt my arousal begin to drip from me. Seriously, how could she do that?

She moved down my body in a flash, pulling my legs apart roughly and laying flat on her stomach between them. I lifted my head up and caught that half smile I already loved so much before her tongue snaked out and licked me from bottom to top.

Her tongue was warm and wet against me, and I couldn't stop the groan that ripped through me. She pressed the flat part of her tongue against my lips and sucked my clit into her mouth before she began licking all around it, but never directly on it.

She was teasing me again, bringing me close without giving me the last push I needed.

Her hands held my legs open for her and her hair fell in a cascade of silky brown against my pale thighs. The contrast was magnificent. One of my hands reached forward and grabbed a handful of hair only to have Bella growl into my center, and I felt the vibrations all the way through me. She obviously didn't like being touched when she was … working.

Instead I clutched at the sheets around me, trying to find something to anchor me to this world as Bella was so desperately trying to make me lose control.

I think this was another part of her game. By taking the upper hand, she was regaining her power. By seeing me undone she grew in strength.

I wished I could have stopped it, could have shown her that she could have everything without taking anything, but I couldn't stop my hips from bucking into her mouth and rolling from her fast and furious movements.

The tightening of my stomach came quickly, more quickly than I'd ever felt as she worked me expertly. Her tongue was a piece of wonder and she knew exactly what to do with it.

My head had fallen back on to the pillows and I barely lifted it up enough to see Bella's ass in the air, the little water and flame tattoo adorning the small of her back.

It captivated me as she undulated her body into mine, lapping at me and drinking me in.

Her tongue thrust into me as the tips of her fingers grazed over my sensitive clit. She flicked at it and my back arched almost violently off the bed into her face, her lips curling around me and sucking hard.

It was a painfully intense orgasm, almost as strong as the one she'd brought me to with that strap-on the previous night. I was panting and squirming as she licked me as I came down from the high, savoring every last drop I could give her.

I didn't miss the irony. She was drinking me dry.

I wondered if it would always be like this. If I would give and give until I couldn't give any more, only to find that she wanted still more from me. If even when there was nothing else within me, she would want something else.

What then would I give her?

I already knew I would give her everything, and it was only a matter of time before she would ask for it.

She crawled up my body as I regained my senses and pressed her naked body over mine. Her hard nipples rubbed against me and though I was still a quivering mess I was almost ready for more. That's what Bella did to me. Always left me wanting more.

She thrust her tongue into my mouth and I greedily sucked on it, tasting myself on her. I was tangy and sweet mixed with Bella's own floral taste and I moaned into her from the combination of the two.

Her hands roamed my body as our tongues wrestled and she squeezed my breasts with her hands. I had a feeling they were quickly becoming some of her favorite playthings. I wasn't opposed to letting her play either.

She withdrew her tongue from my mouth and began biting the side of my neck gently. Nibbling on me. Tasting me again.

"Get your shit from that room of yours. I want these tits in my bed tonight again," she murmured against my neck.

She palmed my breasts before rolling my nipples between her fingers.

"Oh yes," she breathed into me. "I like these very much."

There was one little word that rang in my head then.

_Sarah_.

* * *

Note: If you don't know who Sarah is, I suggest you reread Chapter 3: Insanity. Sarah is mentioned there.


	10. Chapter 9: The Dance

**A/N: I just wanted to take a moment to pimp out my good friend Lipsmacked's girl/girl fics as I feel there is a serious shortage in them. Hers include Naughty & Nice, Lost Then Found, Me & Mrs. McCarty, and So Obvious. Also wanted to pimp out my other girl/girl stories including Innocence and Comfortable. Enjoy the world of lesbian fic! A link to her profile is in my Favorite Authors section of my profile.  
**

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 9: The Dance**

Jessica came back from spending the night at Mike's place to find me shoving clothing in my laundry bag so I could bring it down the hall to Bella's room. Realistically I knew I shouldn't bring everything there, so I decided to just bring what I would need for a few days. This included a week's worth of clothing and necessary toiletries plus my school stuff.

I think she knew what was going on the minute she laid eyes on me.

"Oh, Alice," she said and flopped down on her bed. The way she spoke told me volumes.

She knew what was going on. She was accepting it because she had no other option. I had already made up my mind and there was no going back from it.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked quietly and ran a hand through her hair.

Her eyes watched me as I folded some t-shirts and laid them on top of my jeans.

"I guess that's a yes," she answered her own question.

"Jessica," I sighed and continued folding.

She watched me for awhile as I gathered up my books and notebooks and put them into my school bag. I could feel the weight of her eyes on me, questioning every move I made.

It was a hard thing to explain to her why I was doing this so I decided not to. How do you tell someone that you've fallen hard for a girl who will possibly destroy everything about you? I barely understood it myself, much less was able to explain it so that Jessica would understand.

How did I tell her that I felt I was possibly Bella's last chance for redemption? Her last chance for salvation from the insufferable weight of whatever I knew she was carrying around. That I had every intention of doing everything in my power to lift that weight from her shoulders. I had yet to know if I would be successful, but I also knew that if I didn't try something terrible might happen to her.

I could see her slipping before my eyes and I didn't want that for her. Maybe my dream had been a warning to do something before it was too late. To do something before Bella left me with no other options and instead took fate into her own hands.

I knew that agreeing to move in with Bella was another step closer to insanity. She would take and take until there was nothing left for me to give and yet she would still demand more. She would pull me towards the edge and perhaps even throw me off, much like an animal being led to slaughter. The animal goes willingly because they know there will be food there, even if they know that after the meal they will become someone else's meal.

The thing was I was willing to give all of that up for her.

I was willing to lose myself to whatever insanity she demanded of me if she could just be freed of her pain. I saw it plainly in her eyes. It ravaged her, consumed every inch of her being. It colored every interaction she had with the world and I was damned if I was going to let her continue on that way.

If it took my sanity to free her of that, well then so be it. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

After all, I always did consider myself just a little bit crazy to begin with.

Jessica kept her eyes averted as I grabbed a few last things I thought I would need and walked towards the door. I thought she would let me go with nothing further until she spoke as my hand reached for the door handle.

"Just … don't lose yourself, okay? I know how easy it is to give everything to someone only to lose yourself in the process," she said quietly.

I turned back to her and her face was awash with concern.

She was messing with the hem on her shirt and for an instant I saw how things looked through her eyes. Here she was losing her second roommate of the year and someone she considered a good, if not best friend. For all that I had joked about her in my head, Jessica was actually a really good friend. She'd welcomed me and shown me the ropes of college, so to speak.

I ran my free hand through my hair and pulled at the little short hairs in the back, unsure of what to say to assure her because honestly I couldn't make that promise. I knew there was a good chance I would just what she was asking me not to do. I knew that there was a good chance I would end up just like her last roommate, curled and crying on the corner of the bed.

But I could promise her one thing.

"I'll try," I said and dropped the stuff to the floor gently. Jessica bounded off of her bed and she grabbed me into a tight hug before I knew what she was doing. She sniffled and released me just as quick.

"See you around, Alice," she sniffled.

"Thanks, Jess," I returned and picked up the overstuffed laundry bag.

I was halfway down the hall before I blinked, probably trying to escape from the awkwardness of saying goodbye to Jessica without actually saying goodbye. We both knew I would be back eventually, but it was in what condition that was questionable.

Bella's door was open and she was casually leaning against the doorframe, one arm in the air. She didn't move as I slid by her and I felt her eyes on me as I set my things down on the floor.

"You have somewhere to be?" she asked and I turned around to look at her.

Her arms were crossed and she had that half smile plastered on her face. I could make out her hardened, pierced nipples under the thin white t-shirt she was wearing and I felt my panties grow damp from my arousal.

"Um … not for awhile. It's Sunday so obviously no classes, but I have a group meeting for this Com project I'm doing at 5 p.m.," I nervously spat out in a rush of words.

Bella leaned her head off and her eyes glanced to the side as if she was thinking. She began to tap her chin slowly and bit the side of her lip.

"Hmmm, so we have six hours in which we have nothing to do. What, oh what, could we ever manage to do in six hours?" she said quietly making me think she was trying to play some little game with me.

"I don't know," I quipped quickly.

Her hands reached for the hem of her white shirt and deftly pulled it over her head, exposing her beautiful breasts to me that had really only been covered to me for an hour or two tops. I was quickly learning that when the door to her room was closed, Bella preferred nudity to being clothed, not that I minded much. Her body was simply exquisite and it was a shame she had to cover it up at all.

I was on my knees in front of her before I knew what I was doing, my fingers playing with the band on her sweatpants gently.

I knew what that meant, my willingness to get down for her. She had me trained already. In just under 24 hours she'd trained me to be on my knees without a second thought. I'd wanted to hold onto my power, to never cede control to her, but she just had this way about her that made me want to please her. That made me want to obey her every wish even if it was to my detriment. That made me want to press my lips to every part of her luscious body and lick every square inch of her skin.

Bella threaded her hands through my hair and led me to the places on her skin she wanted caressed. My lips moved over her hipbones that protruded slightly and I placed soft kisses along her pants. I pulled the elastic down with my teeth and looked up to see Bella watching me work. I winked at her and she winked back.

"You're a good little girl," Bella chuckled darkly. "You do exactly what I want."

I nodded and slowly began to pull her sweatpants down with my teeth. Each part of skin that was revealed to me made me want her more. Each morsel of flesh made my heart beat faster and my underwear wetter.

Placing a kiss in the little dip in Bella's hip, I glanced back up at her face and found her watching me with wide eyes. Her breathe was coming in short pants and I could smell her own arousal so close to my nose. It was rich and musky, making my mouth water from the intensity. It was my idea of what Eden smelled like.

It smelled like home to me.

Her grey sweats fell down to her knees and she took a step backward to step out of them.

"And where do I like your hands?" she asked and half grinned at me.

I slowly held them out again, palm side up. I held my chin defiantly upward since I knew Bella liked to stare me down in the eyes.

What she didn't know was that her eyes gave away more about her than I think she intended. When those chocolate eyes of hers connected with mine I felt like we were more than just two people. We had this pull, this link, this relationship between us that I couldn't resist and I hoped she couldn't either. Her eyes gave me a window to her soul and I felt my own reach out to hers every time our gazes locked. It was one of the most intense things I'd ever felt with another human being and had never encountered it before.

Not the first blonde I'd made cum. Not the redhead who liked to use her tongue ring on me.

I hadn't even felt this with any of my family members.

When Bella looked at me with those big eyes of hers I felt like she was really looking at me. Like she knew me. She could see me. She could read me better than she could even read herself.

And I think she knew this.

She stepped back towards that big bed of hers and sat down on the edge. She spread her legs and I saw her center glistening with her arousal. I licked my lips instinctually, wanting to taste heaven as I had done before.

"Ah, not yet. Why don't you stand up and get out of those clothes of yours? I haven't seen those great tits of yours in far too long for my taste," she said slyly and set her hands down on her knees, leaning forward.

I stood slowly, aware that Bella wanted a show. It was all so crazy to me that this came as second nature. That I knew what she wanted without her even having to say it. It was like a part of my brain that had long been dormant had been reawakened the moment she'd pressed me up against her door yesterday. That my will was bending to hers.

That she was truly making me submit to her.

It was our inevitable power trip again. Power by dominance. Power by submission. It was a battle of wills that Bella was glorious at and I was quickly becoming accustomed to.

Maybe I was meant for this.

I didn't know.

But I knew what she wanted.

I turned around slowly and began to inch my shirt up my torso, my fingertips grazing along my sides as I went. It was cold in Bella's room and I shivered as my chest was revealed to the air.

I lifted the shirt over my head and covered my breasts with one arm. Looking back over my shoulder, I smirked at Bella as she sat there on the bed and I caught her breath hitching in her chest. Her eyes were wide as they watched me, her enthrallment with my movements obvious.

Her lips moved as if she were speaking but no sound came out. I wondered what was running through her head as she watched me. If I was pleasing her.

I began moving my hips slowly, swaying to a beat that ran only through my head. I backed up half a step with each sway of my hips until I was right in front of Bella. My hips dipped gently, brushing against the inside of Bella's thighs softly. I heard her quietly gasp and dipped my hips again, making sure this time to practically grind myself on her center.

Her hips moved forward of their own volition into mine and I felt Bella's hands graze along the soft skin of my back right above my pants.

I took a step forward in warning. "No touching," I said sternly and turned my head back to see Bella's eyes narrowing on me and her breathing falter once more.

But I couldn't stay away from her. Her body called to me too much.

I backed up again, and once more felt Bella's fingers tracing the line of my pants.

Her hands moved around my front to the button on my jeans which she quickly undid. As her fingers went to the zipper I arched my back and my skin brushed the cold steel of her nipple piercings. I moaned deep in my throat. Feeling her piercings rub against me was a sensation unlike any other in the entire world.

As one of her hands pulled my zipper down torturously slow, her other crept around front and she flattened her palm on my stomach. The heat of her hand so close to my own growing heat was slowly driving me crazy.

She slipped her hand down into my underwear and I felt her fingertips play with my clit, circling it though never touching directly. Her lips touched my back and she placed small kisses down my spine before snaking her tongue out and licking back up.

My body was practically humming and my knees were weak. I needed to play this game better. I needed to slow down before I turned around and threw her back against the bed before completely ravaging her body. If I thought hard enough I could still taste her in my mouth and my hips bucked against her hand at the memory.

"There … just like that," she murmured against my skin and I covered her hand with my own.

I pushed her hand into me and my head fell back as my mouth opened in silent pleading. My gasping was loud and filled the calm air of the room. If I wasn't so painfully aroused it would have been embarrassing.

My hips were undulating in that ancient rhythm of desire and the cold air of Bella's room made my already hard nipples harder still.

Bella's free hand pushed on my pants there were still hanging on for dear life and they fell to the floor in a flourish of fabric. I felt her lips on my back again, pressing against my skin before I figured out that she was slowly pulling my panties down with her own teeth. They too fell to the floor and I all but fell back into Bella's waiting arms when they did.

I arched my back and ground my ass into her center, feeling the heat and wetness from between her legs. She was making these low moaning noises that were turning me on even more and the combination of those plus the movements of her hand that was still between my legs was driving me crazy.

"Please," I begged quietly, though I didn't quite know what I was begging for.

Begging for her. Begging to be let in. Begging to find out more about her. Begging for some type of equality between us. Begging for release. Begging to be shown her entire world. Begging to know her past.

I was begging for all of it.

I wanted all of her.

The good and the bad parts.

The painful and the happy parts.

All of it.

Bella pulled me down on to the bed, twisting our bodies as I fell so that we were on our sides. She nudged me to turn around to face her and I rolled over. Her lips were on mine in a heartbeat, pressing into me and searching for more. Always more. Her tongue pushed into my mouth and I willingly gave myself over to her, allowing her entrance and exploration.

Her arm snaked under my body and pulled me impossibly closer to her so that our breasts were touching. Her nipples grazed mine and I shuddered involuntarily.

"Fuck, I love that," she said quietly against my mouth.

I wondered if there wasn't more of me that she loved already.

Because I wanted her to love me. I wanted her to let me in. To see her mind as she saw it. Maybe then I could understand her.

But all that fled my mind as her hand again found my clit and began teasing me. All around the edges, luring me closer to the edge without throwing me off. Her fingers played with my entrance briefly before she plunged a finger into my heat, the heel of her palm rubbing against my clit. I gasped into her mouth and her tongue wrapped around mine again.

I threw my leg over her hip, allowing her more room while pulling the lower half of her body closer to me. I wanted her as close as she could be without us being one body. I wanted in her. I wanted through her.

I wanted her.

My body was squirming against her hand as I gasped and moaned with her movements. My hips danced her motion and I felt myself begin to lose control. So quickly she made me cum. So well did she know what would make me fall over that edge that my head swam and I couldn't stop myself from both falling and floating at the same time.

I cried out as I clenched around her fingers, my wetness spilling into her hand as she continued the quick thrusts of her fingers.

"Just like that," she murmured into my mouth and gently withdrew her fingers.

She pulled her head back and though my eyes were closed from the intense pleasure of it all I instinctually knew she was watching me, learning me. Taking me in as I worked through the lasting contractions of my orgasm.

Bella rolled my pliant body onto my back and I opened my eyes to find her fingers in her mouth as she sucked off my cum from her hand.

"God, you taste amazing," she moaned.

I smiled at her and she took her fingers from her mouth and pressed them to my lips. I opened my mouth and sucked her fingers in. My tongue ran across them and I could still taste the remnants of myself overlaid with Bella's own delicious taste.

As Bella withdrew her fingers I grinned and said, "You're right. I do taste amazing."

She pressed her body to mine as our legs became entangled below us. Her eyes were glittering as she lowered her face to mine again, her lips seeking to taste me.

She brushed them across mine softly and spoke quietly to me.

"You're unlike anyone I've ever met, Alice."

My heart, already pounding hard before, sped up at her words.

Was this a sign that I was perhaps something more?

"W-what?" I stuttered without thinking.

She pressed her lips to mine and I felt myself losing ground again. This game we had, it was intense and violent. Hard and painful. But also arousing and addicting.

Bella was the worst kind of drug.

She was the kind that you lost yourself completely to without even knowing.

Bella grabbed hold of my wrists and raised my arms over my head, holding them against the sheets.

As she kissed up my jaw to the space below my ear, her hips began to rock into me. I could feel her heat between her legs and the sheer presence of her body all around me.

She simply enveloped me.

She gently kissed the shell of my ear and whispered softly so that I could barely hear.

"I don't know what anything means anymore."

Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me, but just then I thought I felt one tear drop fall onto my cheek.

"I don't know anything," she whispered and held onto me for dear life.


	11. Chapter 10: Pseudo Equilibrium

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in this chapter. I was sidetracked by a new book series I started reading. My profuse apologies. **

**I also want to promote a new project I've joined. It's a blog with my fellow Perv Pack members where we recommend great smutty fics and all sorts of other fun things. The link is in my profile if you are interested in seeing the fruits of our labor. **

**Additionally, my bestie manyafandom and I are running a Valentine's Day romantic fic contest. Details for that are in my profile. **

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 10: Pseudo Equilibrium**

If I thought sharing a space with Jessica was strange, sharing one with Bella was like crossing over into the Twilight Zone. It was full-out bizarre.

Where Jessica remembered to pick up stuff that was hers around the room, Bella left her room littered with her clothing and all sorts of sundries. I found bras under the bed, crumpled up notebook paper in every available crevice, and wrappers for Bella's one vice peanut butter cups were stuffed into every pocket of both her jeans and my jeans.

All this stuff should have annoyed me, after all I hated when I had to pick up after Emmett when we both lived at home. He'd always left his sports equipment around the house and I'd invariably stumble over a set of football pads going down the stairs if I didn't move them.

But with Bella, I wasn't annoyed. It barely even fazed me. It was just another way Bella was letting me in I thought. It was a sly way for me to gain entrance to that securely blocked off mind of hers.

There were moments I thought she was slowly letting the walls down for me.

I found her looking at me a lot. Not just looking though. More like staring.

Her eyes would narrow on me and I could almost hear the gears grinding in her head, so to speak. Her mouth would turn up in that wry grin of hers sometimes but there were also the infrequent moments her face would be overcome with that look of intense sadness I'd seen that first night I'd spent in Bella's bed. The night I'd woken up to find her watching me in the darkness.

That happened again a few times with me comforting her just as much as the first time. Her arms wrapped around me and she clung to me like I was the last thing she'd ever hold.

But there was one thing she never did again.

She didn't cry.

Maybe a shimmer of tears here and there, but never any sobs.

I didn't know what was worse though. Holding her through sobs that wracked her body or knowing that she was withholding those sobs. That she was censoring herself around me. I didn't want her to censor herself. I wanted to see and know and feel everything.

In the mornings I went to class like any average day, leaving Bella behind naked in bed. She always tempted me into staying with her, sometimes kissing along my neck as I sat on the edge of the bed tying my shoelaces. She knew that her breasts were ridiculously hard to resist for me and often pressed them into my back so I could feel how hard they were for me.

Those mornings took all of my willpower to leave that room. To leave the cocoon she invariably created in my life and to walk out on her. I knew that she knew I was coming back, but she always got this look in her eye that chilled me to my very core. Her bottom lip would quiver ever so slightly and if I didn't look hard enough I would usually miss it.

But I saw it.

And it killed me each time.

I would come back from class to find Bella curled up in a ball in bed. I wondered if she even moved while I was gone. If she got up and ever went to class like I did.

Her hair was always disheveled when I came back, like she had run her fingers through it over and over. Tearing at the strands like doing so would make time move faster. My heart would lurch and I would immediately shed whatever clothing I had on, pulling the sheet back and wrapping my little body around her bigger one.

The fifteenth time I had to do this for her a small light clicked on in my head that Bella might have some separation anxiety. I knew very little about it and it was merely a gut instinct I was feeling, but all the signs were there.

Except the one where she yelled and bitched and moaned at me.

She never did that.

She always accepted whatever I had to go off and do with quiet contemplation and always with that pained look in her eyes.

I wish I could say it got easier each time, but I can't say that. Because it didn't. It got harder and harder with each passing moment to be away from her. First I was counting the hours until I could get back. Then the minutes.

After sixteen days I was reduced to counting seconds until I could wrap myself around her warm body and hold her and comfort her and we could resume whatever we had been doing before real life painfully interrupted us. I learned the exact number of steps I had to take to get me back to our dorm, the number of stairs up to the fourth floor and on average how long the elevator took.

It was almost embarrassing how infatuated with her I was. Lust. Love. Desire. Infatuation. She had wrapped all of those feelings up into a nice little package and hand delivered them to my feet so I could experience them all.

My head was soon consumed with every thought about Bella, not that this shift was any different than before I had begun sharing her bed each night and day and frequently afternoons. Yeah, we were horny little bunnies.

God, I loved to watch her fall apart. To see her eyes scrunch and her mouth fall open as she came. To place my hand between her breasts and feel her heartbeat skyrocket as I made her twist and moan.

And her taste … no words. I greedily lapped at her until I could get no more from her. If it were up to me I could have my lips on her twenty four hours a day. I found my own little bit of Eden between her legs and a piece of heaven in her mouth. The sweetest sin wrapped up in everything Bella represented for me.

It was agony to be apart from her before long. My body sang for her, ached to be next to her. I didn't know if she felt the same way about me.

Honestly, I was a little scared to think of the possibility she wasn't.

I didn't know if I would be able to deal with the possibility that Bella didn't feel for me what I was quickly feeling for her. If I was being completely honest with myself, I would say I felt that from the moment I stepped in her room that first day.

When her eyes raked over me and apprised me like that, something shifted in me irrevocably.

I always thought I knew who I was.

Where I stood.

What I believed in.

What I cared about.

But it was that quick moment in my life that I questioned absolutely everything.

And the more I was around Bella, the more I questioned.

The more I analyzed.

The more I became like her.

Her eyes were constantly watching me. Looking for some apparent weakness perhaps. A reason to toss me out on my ass.

She hadn't found one yet.

I was still there.

I refused to give in to her game and fuck up the best thing I had going for me.

I had fucked up so much in my life already that I couldn't bear to fuck up this. I had fucked up my relationship with my parents by not coming out to them. I had fucked up my relationship with my brother for keeping quiet even when he knew the truth. I had fucked up my friendship with Jessica by chastising her in my head when I should have been more accepting.

I had fucked up every attempted relationship because I wasn't ready to make my preferences in life known to the world.

Sure, there were a handful of people on this planet who knew I liked pussy instead of dick, but there weren't enough.

I wish I could say I had the guts to come out to my family, but I didn't.

I wish I could say I had a problem with Bella's eyes always glaring at me whenever I said something off color or asked a question that she deemed too personal to answer, but I didn't.

I wanted to know.

She was quickly becoming my everything, my whole world and I wanted to be that for her. I wanted to fix her and make her special and make her see how I saw her. How beautiful she was.

In a lot of ways, living with Bella was like living in a den of lions. Or perhaps being in the mob. Yeah, it's a strange comparison, but hear me out.

I was sleeping with a dangerous creature. At any moment she could explode and do something rash, possibly ripping my throat out and leaving me for dead. She had that edge to her definitely. That possibility for violence. I saw it a time or two when she held her fingers too close to the flame of whatever candle she burned on a given night. Most people would shy away from the flame; Bella leaned into it. It drew her in, her eyes filling with the reflected glow of the orange flame. She sat transfixed until I straddled myself into her lap again and kissed her shoulder while my hands sought out those delicious nipples I had learned a hundred times over.

As for the mob, I was on a need to know only basis with Bella. She let me in as much as she was comfortable, and she only really seemed to be comfortable in letting me right after we fucked. Those precious few seconds as she came down from whatever high she was feeling let me see into her like I would normally not be able to. So much so that I constantly tried to keep her there. I felt like I had only one opportunity to make all of this right and any misstep would not be tolerated. I constantly strived to be the best person for her.

Be the best … girlfriend.

We hadn't talked about it, not in the least.

The word had never even come up.

She didn't ask me about my past and she didn't speak of hers.

That was another rule of Bella's that I had picked up on along the way.

If she didn't talk about it, the topic was strictly off limits.

I talked about my family some, but Bella never mentioned hers. She was this mysterious black void to me. I only what Jessica had told me about her (which realistically wasn't much) and what Bella herself had told me (which was even less than what Jessica had divulged).

I felt like I was maneuvering blind into dangerous waters.

In a way I felt like Bella and I were perched on the edge of a knife blade. We were both teetering on the brink of nothingness, me about to be lost to her and she lost to herself. I think in that way we were similar.

We always ate together in the dining hall. We sat off the side at our own table, most everybody too afraid of Bella to approach us and as a result they gave us a wide berth. Her eyes never strayed from me as I cut my food and brought the fork to my mouth. She watched my lips, well aware of what they could do to her. A few time I even saw her shift in her seat.

So at least part of my mission was accomplished.

If I couldn't worm my way into her heart I could at least worm my way into her pants.

It was Wednesday evening, around 6 p.m. and Bella and I were having dinner. Wednesdays were Mexican night and Bella had a large plate of nachos covered with every imaginable topping on the plate in front of her. She absentmindedly played with a few chips around the edge, her eyes for once not glued to me.

It almost felt strange for her not to be watching me now. I had grown so used to it, the feel of her brown eyes blazing into mine or searching my body for her next selected favorite spot.

I was pushing around the taco salad I had taken, mostly because the ground beef in it was pretty damn greasy and kind of tasted funny.

We must have looked like a funny pair, both of us playing with our food rather than eating it and neither of us speaking. These were the moments I had no idea what was going through her head and my best guess I always figured would be way off.

Bella's eyes flickered up and she looked at me for a second, catching me staring at her.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said quickly and ducked my head back down.

I felt her eyes on me again, burning a hole into my skin and melting me from inside out. It was always a slow burn with her like this. Slow and sultry but it never failed to consume me.

But then the strangest thing happened.

I didn't feel her eyes on me anymore.

It was almost like a switch was thrown inside my head and I glanced up under my eyelashes to see Bella not even focused on my face, instead looking over my shoulder. It was just an instant, and her eyes refocused on me quickly.

I resumed staring at the piece of wilted, greasy lettuce on my plate.

We sat in silence for another two or three minutes before Bella mumbled something that sounded remotely like "cookie" and stood up. I watched her as she walked toward the dessert bar before noticing that my shoe was untied. I bent down to tie it and looked up to see a tall girl standing next to Bella in front of the cookies.

An uncomfortable knot of something filled my stomach, too nebulous for me to identify completely. But one thing was for sure. It wasn't pleasant.

I had this instinctive urge to march over there and wrap my arms around Bella's waist while growling a possessive "mine!" to the other girl.

But she wasn't mine.

Well, she sort of was, but we'd never actually said those words out loud. We'd never named what we were doing, merely that we were fucking and sleeping together and sharing a space. Perhaps it as naïve of me to think of myself as Bella's girlfriend, but what else was I supposed to think even if that word was never specifically said?

I watched as Bella smiled at the girl, that half smile I had received so many orgasms ago.

The knot pulled tighter.

My stomach flip flopped.

No.

My eyes must have glazed over because the next thing I knew Bella was sitting down in front of me, quietly gnawing on a chocolate chip cookie.

I shook my head to clear the increasing fog and speared a lettuce leaf on my plate.

I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to ask about it. I didn't even want to recognize it. Maybe if neither of us never spoke of it then it wouldn't be real.

But my mouth had other thoughts. It opened and words popped out before my brain stopped me.

"What was that?" I asked.

"What was what?" she responded.

"The cookie bar," I mumbled and kept my eyes down.

Maybe if she had answered immediately I would have been assuaged. I could have written it off as my overly active imagination trying to find a crack in the foundation we'd built together.

But she didn't answer immediately.

She didn't say anything.

That itself spoke volumes.

She paused and took another bite of her cookie, chewing carefully and swallowing before answering.

"Nothing," she finally said.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stood up to throw my food away. I'd lost my appetite. And anyways, I had a group meeting to go to. My stupid communication major meant that I had more group projects than I cared for, and because of that too many group meetings for my taste.

"I'll be back later," I mumbled and headed toward the trash cans.

My meeting was long and annoying. I had this one group member who liked to decide what everybody was going to do for our project regardless if we wanted to or not. She was one of those overbearing, screechy sorority girls who probably let her boyfriend finger her every night and faked her orgasm because she thought he would like her if she moaned a bit more. I knew the type obviously.

My hometown was crawling with them.

Judgmental whores.

If it weren't for this damn project I wouldn't have associated with her in the slightest.

Throughout the two almost three hours we were clustered around several laptops in the basement of the undergraduate library, that lump still sat in the bottom of my stomach. It gnawed at me, slowly eating away at my sense of sanity.

It couldn't be.

She wouldn't do that to me.

Even despite Jessica's repeated warnings, I had this gut feeling Bella wouldn't do that to me. I was different. I was special. I was the one who could change her, make her better. Make her whole.

It was after nine when I finally made it back to the dorm, trudging up the 44 stairs to get to our floor. The hallway was brightly lit still; the resident assistant probably hadn't turned off the bright day overhead lights yet.

My footsteps echoed down the empty hallway as I counted off the doors to Bella's.

I didn't bother knocking when I came to it.

She was probably curled up in bed, that same pained look on her face while she waited for me to come back. Or maybe I'd get lucky and she'd be naked in the chair again, how I'd found her last night when I took a short shower and came back.

Last night was definitely a good night.

We'd fucked for hours and Bella had rewarded me again with her favorite toy, the strap on. God, that thing was fucking spectacular. Maybe I could get her to use it on me again tonight if I played nice.

I slipped Bella's other key that she had given me into the door locked and just as I was about to turn the handle, I heard it.

A loud moan.

One that didn't sound like Bella.

Fuck no.

It couldn't be.


	12. Chapter 11: Truth and Lies

**A/N: Once again I apologize for the delay in this. School started again so I'm once again consumed by extremely large, overly confusing textbooks. I'll try to update again sometime this weekend. **

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 11: Truth and Lies**

_A loud moan. _

_One that didn't sound like Bella. _

_Fuck no. _

_It couldn't be. _

I stood there, hand clamped around the door handle. My body was frozen. My mind was still. And yet my heart raced uncontrollably in my chest. Blood was pumping through me at a frightening speed.

I knew what she was doing in there. That's what that gnawing feeling was the entire time I was at my meeting. It was a second sense of sorts telling me that something was desperately wrong in my world. It clung to my senses and I should have listened to that voice in the back of my head screaming at me when I saw Bella smile at that girl at dinner.

I had given her everything I had to give and yet I still apparently wasn't good enough for her. I had let myself be consumed by her. Always her. Only her.

And yet she had still done this.

Well, at least I think she was doing this. All I had to go on was a muffled moan that sounded like someone not Bella coming from inside my room. For all I knew she was watching porn really loudly and I was completely jumping to rash conclusions without thinking.

I should at least find out which part of my screaming mind was right.

Right?

I took one last deep breath and steeled myself for what I could possibly find when I opened the door. From the worst scenarios all the way up through the best ones. From her being with another girl or two even all the way to my mind completely making up the noise I'd heard.

I could do this. I could handle it.

Couldn't I?

I finally turned the handle and pushed on the door lightly, swinging it open. My eyes clenched shut and I wasn't sure I would be able to open them to face whatever was in front of me.

And I heard it again.

That groan and gasp that wasn't Bella. And definitely wasn't on any television or computer.

My eyes flew open and my heart sank and my stomach churned.

All my worst fears were realized in that moment.

My life changed.

Everything I thought I knew once again flew out the window.

The girl from the cookie bar was naked and flat on the bed, my bed, with her legs over Bella's shoulders. Her head was back and her moans echoed off the walls of the room. Bella was just as naked, her little water and flame tattoo mocked me as she moved her hips in rhythm with her tongue that was thrusting into the girl's pussy.

I should have run out of the room crying.

I should have broken down and gone crazy at the sight.

God, I should have turned into Sarah and curled up in the fetal position on my old bed in my old room.

But I was surprisingly … pissed.

Who was this girl to think she could come in here and fuck Bella? My girlfriend! My world! My everything!

My jaw clenched and every cell in my body lit with the flames of enough anger to burn down a whole city.

That bitch, whoever she was, was doing to die. I was going to claw her eyes out and beat her to a bloody pulp before I threw her out of MY room and took back what I had earned. I had put up with so much shit to be where I was and I was damned if I was going to sit back and take this lying down.

I flew at them before I knew what I was doing, grabbing a handful of Bella's thick brown hair and yanking her face away from the slut's body. Her eyes focused on me and I thought I actually read fear in them for a split second.

"Fuck!" I screamed and pushed Bella back so she stumbled and fell down on her butt on the floor.

I turned to the other girl and my hands were around her throat ridiculously fast.

My fingers were too little to fit all the way around so I curled them as far as I could go and thrashed her head back into the mattress.

"You!"_ thump_ "fucking!" _thump_ "shank!" _thump _"bitch!" I yelled and poured all my anger into doing my worst for this dumb bitch who had stolen everything from me.

I had done nothing but be the best person I could be and she had invaded everything, whoever she was. I didn't even know her name and honestly, I didn't care that much. All I knew was she was naked and wet and just fucking ruining everything.

"Alice!" Bella screamed and tried to pull me off of the girl.

I took one of my hands from the girl and pushed Bella back again, surprisingly hard and once again knocking her off balance.

I grabbed the whore by the roots of her hair and lifted her off my bed, pushing her towards the door.

"You don't fucking deserve to be here! I earned this! I submitted! Get the fuck out!" I screamed frantically.

With one hand still buried deep in her mousy, ugly hair I opened the door and pushed her out into the hallway, still naked as the moment I found her. I didn't care that people were likely to see her that way. She could walk across fucking campus for all I cared. She had no right to be in my room with my girlfriend on my bed getting serviced by my tongue that I'd earned.

"She's fucking naked, Alice!" Bella screeched from behind me and I whirled around in my spot, my body practically shaking with rage.

"Don't you fucking start with me! I've had about enough of this shit from you. I put up with the glares. I put up with the dominance thing you have. I put up with your bras under the bed and your paper and your fucking candles and all that shit because I want to be with you. I want to know you and figure you out and get inside your head and know what makes you tick. I want to know about your family and every fucking one of the girls, no matter if it kills me a little inside with each one. I want to know why you cry when we fuck and what the fuck is so wrong with me that you have to find some dirty whore to fuck on MY bed while I'm at a fucking group meeting!" I screamed at her and waved my hands around like a banshee.

I was panting and huffing and just fucking pissed off more than I'd ever been in my life.

She took a few steps back from me, her eyes filling with tears and her face getting red. I could still see the lingering remnants of that slut's cum on her face and I wanted to slap it off. I wanted all traces of that piece of ass gone from my life.

"Alice!" she half whimpered, half croaked.

"What?!" I screamed.

She shook her head and it only served to get me madder. She curled her arm around her chest and hugged tight, almost like she was trying to hold herself together. This pushed her breasts up and though I normally would have enjoyed the sight, there was something different about her now. She'd changed in my eyes and though I could feel the instinctive wetness between my legs, my head wasn't in it this time.

I leaned down to the floor and swiped at whatever shirt I could find first, throwing it at Bella when I found a long black one.

"Put this the fuck on. I can't stand to look at you like that right now," I growled and watched her struggle to cover herself up fast enough.

She was practically quaking how hard she was shivering, shaking. Her body was in the middle of an earthquake and her fingers tugged and smoothed over the wrinkled material again and again while I struggled to compose myself and reign in my uncharacteristic explosion of anger, not that she probably didn't deserve much more.

I was just … pissed.

She had the nerve to do this to me when all I'd ever done was try. Try to be perfect. Try to be more. Try to be enough. Try to be the one who could make everything right.

"Don't you fucking get it?" I yelled finally, still too angry to do anything but explode again and again.

"What?! Get what?" Bella yelled right back.

"I thought I was enough for you! I thought we had something beyond your normal fuck and run. Yes, I know all about that shit, Bella. Jessica told me all about that. And Sarah. And how you ruined her and made her cry and turned her insane. Don't think for one second I went into this not knowing what you did to girls before me. And yet it didn't matter. I pushed all that shit aside and wanted to find out for myself. It couldn't all possibly be true and yet here we are … you fucking another girl on my bed with the sheets I make you cum on again and again and you don't even fucking get it!"

God, I just wanted to throttle her! To knock some sense into that dense skull of hers that was apparently incapable of understanding anything outside of her own little world. A world where apparently I wasn't important enough not to cheat on … in my bed … right on top of my pillow.

"It's not like that, Alice!" Bella hollered at me and stalked over to her little bookshelf with her candles and matches. I watched as she lit all of them and slowly set the matches back down.

She held onto the side of the bookshelf almost to steady herself and I could feel my hands start to shake.

"It's not like that at all," she muttered so low I almost didn't pick up on it.

"So fucking tell me. Tell me why I'm not good enough. And why you're so fucked up. And what I can do to get in there where you obviously don't want me," I seethed.

Bella spun around and her eyes were alight with passion I had never seen there before. Unidentified and unreliable passion.

"Maybe I do want you in! Maybe I want you in so fucking bad that it's killing me that I can't let you in. But maybe I'm fucking scared that you'll hate what you see. Have you ever really thought about that?" she spat out. "Have you for one second considered how screwed up my head might be?"

Her hands started shaking and something inside of me broke. My breath caught in my throat and I thought I might pass out.

I had indeed considered all of these things she was throwing at me. I'd considered them, mulled them over, chewed on them. God, I'd speculated beyond anything at what could have possibly happened to Bell that she would be so ridiculously messed up as she was. There was definitely something in her past that she wasn't willing to divulge before.

Maybe now was the right time.

"Of course I have," I whispered and her head that had dropped shot up.

"Then why are you still here?" she asked, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

"Because I want to know everything. I want to be let in. I want in that head regardless of what you think is in there. Just let me see you without all the pretense and crap and mindfuck. Tell me about you, and not you and the world sees you."

Bella took a step towards the bed and her eyes swept over the mussed up sheets. She dragged her hand across the fabric, the paleness of her skin standing out against the black material. A study of contrasts.

Her hands were still shaking.

"You won't like what you see," she whispered. "I'm too fucked up. Too far gone."

"Let me be the judge of that," I sighed.

She grabbed at the sheets, fisting them between her fingers and tugging angrily.

"You make it sound so easy. Like me spilling my guts to you and letting you fucking psychoanalyze me is going to solve all of my problems. Like somehow getting all this crap out of my head is going to turn me into not a monster. I'm a horrible person, Alice. You just need to fucking realize that. I'm not going to change. This is me. No fancy fucking frills. No daises. No cuddly puppies. It's rough and harsh and goddamit, I hurt people. I break their hearts and move on to the next fuck before I have time to really realize what I've done. It's just how it is. There's no changing," she gritted out.

The air hung around us, heavy with musk and anger and fear. I sensed it rolling off of her in waves.

She was terrified. Petrified. So scared of letting me in.

What could be in there?

What was in that black void of her past that would make her think like this?

Bella flexed her hand and her knuckles went even whiter against the black of the bedsheets.

"Just tell me," I whispered into the still silence of the room.

"Fine! I'll fucking tell you. I'll tell you how I got my fucking heart broken by the first girl I ever fell in love with. How I didn't know I was even gay until her. How my life changed the minute I laid eyes on _her_ everything I thought I knew flew out the window. She was so fucking perfect. Sweet and perfect and just _her_. Nothing compared to her at all. Elizabeth. That was her name. God, I loved her so much. And I thought she loved me. She said it often enough for me to believe it. We were perfect. Fucking perfect. Then one day we're on a walk and she just drops this fucking bombshell that she doesn't love me. That she never loved me. That she was fucking leaving. That she wasn't good enough for me. That she could never love me no matter how hard she tried."

Bella's words were punctuated with half sobs, half sighs.

My brain was telling me to do something, but my body was frozen in its spot. It felt like my blood had stopped flowing through my veins.

There it was.

That was the truth of the matter.

The heart of it all.

She'd been loved and left.

I was right when I said she had abandonment issues.

She had more than issues though. She had a whole subscription.

This _Elizabeth_ had broken her. Shattered her into tiny pieces that I'm not sure were back together. There was a possibility that they might never be back together, the more I thought about it.

The idea that Bella would always be like this pained me. The cycles. The power struggle. The need for dominance. The need to assert her control over a situation.

The need to take back what she had had taken from her.

Her heart.

"Sarah," I whispered.

"Sarah was an unfortunate accident. I let my guard down. I let her in. And it fucking hurt. It ripped me apart and I had to get out before she hurt me. They all hurt me. That's what life is, Alice. One long string of hurtful moments mashed together in a line. Another day of pain before I can fuck it away into those few blissful moments where it doesn't hurt. It's always there in the back of my head, taunting me. The look on_ Elizabeth's_ face when she said she didn't love me. When she said she didn't want me. That she had never wanted me. God, all I was a toy to her. Some evil like idea of a joke. Take me in, change everything I'd ever know, than toss me aside like a used goddamn tissue. God, it fucking hurt like hell," she grimaced. "It still hurts like hell."

The moment was silent again, too large for either of us to break it.

She'd poured her soul out to me.

I could see the sorrow and hurt behind her eyes. Behind the very truth she spoke.

Bella had been hurting for a long time and there didn't seem to be any end to it.

I wished I could make it better.

But something told me I couldn't.

"It will get better," I lied.

"No, it fucking won't. It's there with every breath I take. Every heartbeat. Every fuck. It lingers and grips me and holds on fucking tight when all I want to do is make it go away. She fucking ruined me. I can't let anybody in now because there's nothing left to be let in on. She fucking broke my heart and my soul and my body. I'm used and broken and not worth your time, Alice."

Tears were flowing from her eyes and I desperately wished I could reach out and wipe them away, but my anger was coming back again strangely.

She thought she was so broken beyond repair. She didn't think anybody would ever fix her. That nothing in the world could stop what had already happened.

And that pissed me off.

I somehow still wasn't good enough. I wasn't even good enough to be worth a shot.

"And what makes you the right person to decide that? Why can't I be the one to decide how I spend my time?" I spat out angrily at her.

"You don't fucking understand me!" Bella came back at me with.

"I don't understand you because you don't let me understand you!"

Bella began to pace in front of me, her hands running through her hair and pulling on the messy locks. She looked so disheveled my heart broke for her. Like she was on her last thread of sanity and I was witnessing the complete and total break down of all that was Bella in front of my eyes.

I had thought I could be everything for her. Take all her fears away. Make her better. Make her whole. That together we could build something bigger and better than both of us.

And yet we were locked in this circular argument. We couldn't move forward unless Bella let me in. And Bella wouldn't let me in unless she something changed in her, which by the looks of it wasn't happening any time soon.

The million dollar question turned out to be this: at what point do you stop trying?

At what point does is the pain and heartache and love and joy just not worth it any more?

When would all the negatives simply overwhelm the positives and cause me to walk away from the best thing that had ever happened to me? That ever happened to Bella?

And more importantly … had I reached that limit?

I searched deep within myself and the answer was staring me right in the face.

And it broke my heart.

"I can't do this anymore," I whispered.

Bella froze in her uneven strides and a pain greater than any I had seen in her filled her face and her eyes and her whole body. I could see it take over her, consume her. Ruin her.

This would not be easy.

Not for either of this.

"Don't," she murmured just barely loud enough for me to hear.

"I can't," I answered, my voice painfully unsteady even to my own ears.

Bella's mouth fell open, but nothing came out.

She had no response to any of this. No plea to make me stay. No sweet talk. No lies or tales or convincing.

Just one single word that I could barely listen to.

I had to get out of there as quickly as I could. Get away from this crap and this mess and everything that was weighing us down and keeping us from soaring into the heavens.

I'd reached my limit.

No more bullshit.

Bella sat down on the edge of the bed and I could tell a quiet numbness was quickly overtaking her.

I moved quickly, throwing whatever I could find of mine into my backpack. I found my laundry bag and shoved clothes and shoes and other various things into it roughly. This was not a moving out kind of thing. This was an exodus.

This was an "I need to cut my losses and get out while I'm still sane" thing.

"Don't you fucking dare," Bella hissed out and I turned to look at her.

There was a new rage there. A new fire. I knew what she was doing. She was deflecting. Covering up the pain with the anger.

I can't say I blamed her.

"I'll dare. I'll fucking dare. That little head of yours is convoluting everything. If you stopped and thought for one second about me, about how I feel, you'd see that maybe not everything is always cut in stone. Maybe you're just ignoring the real best thing that has ever happened to you. I gave you everything, Bella. But still you wanted more," I said and continued to shove clothing in my laundry bag before stopping and turning back to her.

"I can't be her. All you're doing is looking to fill the void she left in your life. This Elizabeth. You need to do some real soul searching. Look at what you have and what you're losing. What I was giving you. A real chance for change. A real chance for happiness. And yet you're wasting it. You threw it all away and I won't come groveling back asking for more. I'm not one of these weak-kneed saplings you've picked up before. I'm better than that and you know it. So you have to live with that knowledge now," I continued.

I threw my backpack on over my shoulders and hauled the laundry bag into my arms. Anything that I missed wasn't worth it. I would leave behind anything just to get out of there quickly.

Bella stayed sitting on the bed as I moved towards the door.

I don't know if I was expecting her to stop me, but she didn't.

That spoke volumes.

I swung the door open and took one last look at her.

"Goodbye, Bella," I said brusquely and shut the door behind me.

The greatest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

I had been lying to myself all along.

Maybe I hadn't been different at all.

I was back at my door when I realized that I was indeed different than all of Bella's previous girls.

She hadn't kicked me out.

I had left on my own terms.

***ducks for cover* **


	13. Chapter 12: Water

**A/N: Just a warning … this chapter gets a bit graphic. I never thought I'd actually take a character where I did in this chapter. The whole thing makes me fairly uneasy, but I can honestly say it felt right to go to this place. **

**Skin Deep **

**Chapter 12: Water**

**Bella**

The door clicked shut and my world ended.

My very existence fell into darkness and I had no idea where the light was.

Alice was … unexplainable.

She was everything and she was nothing.

My body curled in on itself and that old wound tore itself open painfully through my chest. My lungs struggled for air and I felt like my entire body was convulsing from the sheer pain throbbing through me. Every cell in my body was screaming at me to run after her. To get her back. To not let her leave.

_She'll be back_.

No, she won't.

_Yes, she will. They always come back. They never leave you. _

"Go away," I hissed at the horrible thoughts.

_They may leave you, but I never will. You have to live with me forever_.

"No, I don't," I whispered and my voice broke.

_We'll see about that_.

I lunged for a pillow and threw it over my head, burying myself under sheets that smelled too much like perfection and beauty and Alice's scent.

I screamed into the mattress until my voice was hoarse.

When I couldn't scream anymore, I simply whimpered.

I whimpered for the loss of Elizabeth.

For the loss of my sanity.

For the loss of my life.

For the loss of Alice.

Nothing she'd said was wrong. Every word she uttered was the truth as plain as day, all laid out before me.

I think that's why it hurt so much.

I stopped moving.

If I moved, it hurt.

If I didn't move, it hurt.

The pain never went away.

But this pain was a new pain, a fresh pain, one that was strikingly similar to a very old, very familiar pain.

Elizabeth had turned my whole world upside down and thrown everything into chaos. I had loved her so completely, so irrevocably. To love someone that much and have it taken away so violently was beyond comparison. The look on her face that day was so different than I'd always seen her. She'd laughed, she'd smiled and she'd always been cheerful. But that day … that horrible day. She was stoic. Emotionless. Unbreakable.

She'd left me mumbling and numb on the side of the path we were walking on. I'd lost track of all time. Days had turned into nights and back into days again. I thought I'd heard my name being shouted from afar, but I couldn't find the strength or will to respond to the calls. Rain had fallen. Leaves had blown over me. The very Earth seemed to crawl into my body and take over me.

I'd wished it would just open up and swallow me.

But it hadn't.

They'd found me.

I spent four months practically incoherent, babbling and mumbling nothings for anybody who was around me. I didn't know what was around me, who was talking to me, or how I'd managed to get clothed or eat or take care of anything else.

Somehow I did though.

And the darkness that had surrounded me slowly began to fade.

But the pain was always there.

It never ebbed, only flowed.

That's why I began to fuck girls. That singular moment of utter and complete bliss that took all my pain away if but for a second.

I soon found the more I hurt them the better the orgasm. The longer the bliss. The longer I didn't have to feel the pain.

If I had some level of control over them, I felt like everything was doing better.

Fucked up and twisted and so ruined for everybody. I couldn't let anybody in, couldn't let anybody see my heart or soul or head or anything else in my life. They wouldn't like what they saw. Nobody would. Damaged good. Broken goods. That's what I was.

The first tattoo was 'never forget' on my neck at the hairline. Never forget what letting someone in can do to you. Never forget what pain loving someone causes you. They leave. They always leave.

Love makes you weak.

That's the one irretrievable truth about humanity.

Humans are transient people.

We pick up and move when we are tired of our surroundings.

Elizabeth got tired of me. She threw me away. Used me for her own devices and then moved on with not a care for my feelings or reactions. Nothing to how I lived my life or survived or moved on.

But maybe … no, I couldn't handle it. Still I'd managed to convince myself that I was free. I'd had 'freedom' tattooed on the inside of my wrist.

In reality I wasn't free.

I was only succumbing more and more to the darkness. Sinking deeper. My sanity slowly falling away from my fingertips.

The back piece was last.

I don't know why I picked it honestly. The tattoo artist was this hot little chick who I fucked when we were done and she kept mumbling "what is born of fire is consumed by water" the whole time she was working on my tattoo.

I still didn't know what she meant.

Another of life's mysteries.

The nipples were most recent, a year or so old. I discovered during my tattoo sessions that the high of adrenaline was almost as good as the high of sex. The more physical pain I inflicted on myself, the less I had to feel the emotional pain.

In my darkest moment since … Elizabeth leaving … I got some razor blades. That was maybe six months ago. When Sarah learned too much. When I got stupid and let slip one too many things.

I didn't like to think about what I did to those girls too much.

I couldn't think about it.

It would only hurt worse.

Given the choice between minimizing the pain and creating more, I always took the easy way out. I always took the least painful way.

Which was not to think.

And not to feel.

And not love.

No, definitely no love.

If I felt anything for them, felt anything at all, I couldn't hurt them. And only by hurting them could I feel remotely better.

Love was strictly out of the question.

And somehow, some freaking how, this girl walked in out of my life and fucking loved me. Without me asking. Without me trying. Without me even wanting it.

Alice.

God, her face. Her beautiful face. And her body. She was perfection personified and everything about her made me hurt more. Made me love more. I didn't even ask her to love me and yet she did. She saw through the crap and pain, the hurt and all those damn walls I built around myself to keep everybody out. And to keep the pain in.

I couldn't love others because I didn't love myself. I was so unlovable, so painfully unlovable that nothing mattered except the here and now and never anything about the future.

There was no future for me.

Just never ending night. Never ending pain. Never ending nothingness.

Black as deep as eternity.

Pain and more pain.

_Do it._

Everything hurt. All of it.

Knowing what I did to her, what I did to all of them. How much I made them hurt only to make myself feel better. To get relief from my own pain.

I suffered knowing they suffered. I suffered knowing I suffered.

Too much pain. Too much lust. Too much knowledge. Too much time.

Too much fucking everything.

It just hurt so fucking much and I wanted the pain to go away. I couldn't take it any longer. It ravaged me. Consumed me. Took me over. There was not a single shred of _Bella_ left inside of me. Only the horrible monster I'd become.

Pain and love and lust and anger and emptiness.

That's what my life had become.

If I could really call it a life.

I wasn't living any more; I was existing. Moving through the motions and doing what little I could to remind myself of everything that just hurt so damn much.

_Do it. You know you want to. _

And Alice. Dear god. Alice.

I'd tried so hard. I really had. I think I had.

She'd given me everything. Maybe I could really love her. Maybe she could really love me. No, that wasn't love. It was fear. Or lust. Or something. But it wasn't love. Nobody could love me.

She gave me a chance though. Offered me something I hadn't found before.

A chance.

A way out.

A path that was completely new and separate and unknown and it just fucking hurt to think I'd ruined it. Blown it. Fucking messed it up by giving myself over to my desires. That damn girl. I didn't even catch her fucking name before I yanked her pants down and shoved my face in her pussy. A new and different pussy than the one I really wanted.

Alice was all I ever wanted.

And yet I fucked that up.

She wouldn't come back.

Everything I thought I knew she ruined.

She ruined it by opening herself up to me when I couldn't do the same for her. She let me in knowing I couldn't let her in. And she wanted in.

The look in her eye, that wild and dangerous look just fucking killed me. The moment she knew I'd betrayed her. The moment I had gone and ruined everything. No, it wasn't her that ruined everything. It was me.

I did that. All by myself.

And pain.

It just kept getting worse.

And everything hurt.

_I know how to make you stop hurting_.

Yes.

No.

_Do it. _

No.

Yes.

_The pain will go away. _

Yes.

_What is born of fire is consumed by water. _

Yes.

_Thank you._

**Alice**

I hadn't seen Bella over two days.

Two days, four hours, twenty three minutes and thirty six seconds.

Give or take a few minutes.

I wish I could say I could get her out of my mind, but that would be lying. I wish I could say it was easy to walk away and go back to my life before Bella, but I can't.

I wish I could forget her, but I don't want to.

I wanted to remember everything about her because in a twisted way she was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. I wanted to remember every curve of her body, every dimple on her skin and every noise and gasp she ever made.

I wanted to remember what it felt like when I had my fingers and tongue inside her and how her cum tasted and how her mouth fell open just the right amount when she came.

And the moments where she broke down.

The tears.

I even wanted to remember the tears.

To see her most open, most fragile … that was real beauty. The world may have thought she was beautiful when she was smirking and tossing her silky hair over her shoulders, but the world was wrong.

It was when she was so laid out before me. That brief flash of a moment when I could see right through her, when she was most transparent to me. Each tear that slid down her face those few times I saw them took me one step closer to what she really was.

I'd never met anybody before her that could disarm me so completely with one single tear, and I doubted I would ever meet anybody who could do it ever again. To think that the experiences I shared with Bella would be a once in a lifetime event made my heart hurt. It made my soul hurt.

To feel so deeply connected with someone who would only let you in for seconds was disheartening.

I honestly thought we were making progress.

And then she went and did it.

She threw it all away for some easy fuck who flirted back.

I never actually thought she'd go through with it, but yet she did.

Jessica was actually rather surprised to see me hauling my stuff back to what I guess was once again our dorm room. I think she expected me to come crawling back in the same condition Sarah had returned. Bent and broken, bawling my eyes out.

Sure, I cried, but I didn't let Jessica see them. I cried in the shower, in the stairwell and even walking to class. But never in front of Jessica.

I didn't want her to know she'd been right all along.

I should have been more careful with my heart. I should have protected myself and fought back earlier. Perhaps I wouldn't be in the position I was, desperately clawing my way back to a life I never realized I'd come back for.

She didn't ask me a lot of questions about my time with Bella and I didn't volunteer a lot of unsolicited details. The one time Jessica brought up Bella I quickly glossed over it and I'm pretty sure Jessica caught my drift since she hadn't mentioned her again. Bless her heart. Jessica was a lot better friend than I ever really gave her credit for before.

Yet another thing to regret late at night.

I thought I caught glimpses of Bella once or twice around campus, but when I ran after the girl I found that my mind had been playing tricks on me.

So like I said, I hadn't seen Bella in over two days.

I spent the afternoon of the third day desperately trying to concentrate on some ridiculous math homework I had, thinking I'd let my homework really pile up during the time I'd been so wrapped up in everything Bella.

My right leg bounced up and down frantically and I must have looked like I'd downed an entire case of Red Bull because I was literally bouncing off the walls with unspent energy. I'd gotten used to having sex several times a day and in the fifty two hours since I'd last even had the opportunity to get off, I hadn't even wanted to. My body was crying out for type of release despite my mind being practically on another planet, one that was squarely not sexual.

I think I was driving Jessica fairly insane too.

"Oh dear fucking god! Go for a run or something!" she finally screamed and turned to glare at me from her desk. "Or go rub it out in the shower! You're killing me with your sexual frustration!"

"Sorry," I muttered and put my pencil in between the pages of my textbook.

I slipped out of my jeans and t-shirt before pulling on a pair of athletic shorts and running top. I quickly laced up my running shoes and pulled out my mp3 player so I would have something to distract me from the constant hum of regretful thoughts.

Turning back to Jessica, I decided it was time to say my piece.

"Hey, Jess?" I asked.

She looked up from her textbook. "Yeah?"

"I really am sorry," I said quietly.

She sighed and tapped her pen a few times before speaking.

"No, it's okay. I'm just glad that you're okay and you're not … you know … crazy," she finally said with a note of sadness in her voice.

I half laughed and stuck one earbud in.

"That remains to be seen," I answered her and put the other one in.

She half smiled at me and turned back to her work.

The run definitely helped with the frustration, but it didn't completely solve it. I ran until my legs were sore. Until I could barely feel them from the pain and numbness and exhaustion.

I thought the music would drown out my thoughts, but sadly it didn't. Every song reminded me of her. A lyric here, a line there. Even a single word would set off another memory of something Bella did or said or even made me feel.

I ran for almost two hours, circling around the entire campus four times before I could run no more.

Dusk was quickly descending on campus when I came back, sweaty and gross and covered in a thick layer of nastiness that definitely needed to be washed off. So far I hadn't seen Bella any time I went in the bathroom and for this I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad. If there was one place I actually longed to see her, it was in the showers. In her shower specifically.

I gathered all of my usual shower accessories and hung my towel over my arm, intent on washing away perhaps the last remnants of Bella from my body. The run was almost symbolic for me. Maybe if I sweated enough, I could rid my body of the pain she had brought me and instead remember only the good times we had together, brief as they were.

The water would wash away the hurt.

The bathroom was deserted when I came in, but I heard one lone shower going in the back. Instantly memories of the first time I had seen Bella in here came flooding back and I willed myself to push them back down and away.

Walking back to the shower area, I rationalized it was some other girl who just coincidentally happened to be showering at the same time as me. Right? Seemed innocent enough. It didn't necessarily have to be Bella. Not everything in the world revolved around her.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized the same shower Bella used before was now in use. My breath came fast and my heart began to race.

No … it's not her. It's somebody else.

God, I felt like I was having a PTSD moment for a second, not that I had any freaking clue what such a moment felt like. But I was definitely having flashbacks.

And then I realized moreover that the shower curtain was open.

Just like last time.

My body moved of its own volition towards the open shower, one painful step after another.

I closed my eyes and gripped my shower caddy tightly. I probably could have broken the handle if I squeezed just a little bit tighter.

I took those last few steps and stood in front of the shower stall, hearing the rushing water, knowing that when I opened my eyes I would see perfection once again encapsulated in a single person in front of me.

And then I opened my eyes.

My shower caddy dropped from my hands and the pit of my stomach completely and utterly dropped out.

Bella was sitting on the floor of the shower, the same black t-shirt I'd flung at her that fateful evening now soaked and clinging to her wet body. Her limbs were off in all directions and her legs were painfully twisted around.

Blood was running down her arms and getting washed away by the water still pouring down upon her and I could see a shiny silver razorblade laying on the floor of the shower next to her.

"Oh no oh no oh no," I moaned and Bella looked up at me.

Her glazed over eyes locked with mine and nothing seemed to stare back at me. Emptiness had overtaken her once and for all and there was nothing left for me to find.

"What is born of fire is consumed by water," she mumbled and if possible her eyes glazed over even more.

"Oh god no, baby," I yelled and sank down on my knees onto the hard tile floor, pulling her against my chest as I pressed my fingers to her wrists to attempt to stave the blood flow.

The shower continued to pour down upon us, washing away everything that we ever had.

Her head fell back onto my shoulder and I felt her body grow weak under my touch.

No.

No.

No.

"Stay with me, Bella. Baby, no," I yelled and pressed her tighter too me.

"I'm sorry, baby," she whispered and closed her eyes.

"Fuck no!" I screamed. "Don't you do this to me!"

Her body went limp and I didn't know if the water on my face was from the shower or my tears.

"Somebody help me!" I screamed as loud as I could and held onto Bella for dear life.

"What is born of fire is consumed by water," she whispered again.

I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break any more.

But once again Bella proved me wrong.

I thought I was getting better, maybe even moving on.

Turns out I ended up right back at the beginning.

Right back in the shower where it all started.

Only this time I didn't know if Bella would walk out of it.


	14. Chapter 13: The Long Road

**A/N: *peeks head in sheepishly* Umm … sorry? Yeah, I know it's been ridonkulously long since I last updated. You can blame it on school and life and so much reading from three inch thick textbooks that I'm pretty sure my eyes were close to falling out of their sockets. **

**Skin Deep**

**Chapter 13: The Long Road**

**Alice**

They say in an emergency that time slows down. That the world around you suddenly feels like it is in slow motion and everything is just … slower.

I can fully attest to this.

It felt like years passed as I held a bleeding Bella in my arms under the cold water of the shower. I must have been screaming my head off though because at some point, someone heard me and called for help. In my whole life, I had never been more terrified than I was during that eternity. Watching blood seep out between my fingers as I frantically tried to apply pressure to Bella's cuts was something I knew I would never get out of my head no matter how long I lived.

Bright, rich red blood against her creamy pale skin.

The contrast much like her love of the brightness of flames in the darkness of night.

Bella always was a study in contrasts.

The paramedics who soon showed up had to practically rip her from my arms so they could work on her. I was soaked and shivering from the cold, and all I wanted to do was go with them. To follow after her as they wheeled her out of the bathroom on that ambulance stretcher and covered in a thick, warm blanket.

I knew there was someone talking to me, trying to find out what happened, but no sounds were really getting through to my head. I wasn't paying attention anything except the image of her on the broken and bleeding on the shower floor. Her body a mass of limbs and her hair every which way. I had never seen anybody so broken in my entire life.

I had witnessed a really bad car accident when I was 12, but that didn't compare. This … this was so much worse. I had a personal stake in this. Just because Bella and I were broken up didn't mean I wanted anything bad to happen to her.

Somehow I ended up at the hospital in dry clothing sitting in the waiting room. The police tried to talk to me, still wanting details of Bella's … suicide attempt. I cringed outwardly whenever I thought of the word or anybody around me said it, even if it was said in a hushed voice.

It seemed to take ages before somebody would tell me what was happening with Bella. Nobody was paying attention to me after they had given up trying to ask me questions that I couldn't respond to.

Finally, a kindly older nurse came over and squatted down in front of where I was sitting in the horribly uncomfortable plastic waiting room chair. She had kind eyes and a soft hushed voice that was slightly musical.

"Dearie, the young woman you are waiting on is going to be just fine. She's resting in a room right now if you would like to see her. Do you want me to take you there?" she gently asked and placed her hand over mine.

She had this very motherly tone to her voice, one that you might use with a small child or perhaps an animal. A part of my brain wanted to be annoyed at her obviously being extra careful with me, but a majority of me was very grateful that someone had finally taken notice of me.

I nodded and bit my lip.

This was the moment I wasn't sure would come again. Holding a bleeding, wet and sobbing Bella in my arms had been an experience I could barely describe or even process. I had no logical way to think about everything. I had never been that dark place myself and yet I could understand it somewhat.

It's a place that you feel you have no other options. Something speaks to you … drawing you in and convincing you that maybe the easiest way to be rid of the pain was to completely rid of it. Normal people would talk to someone, ask for help, but Bella wasn't normal by any means. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her. There was something exquisite in it's complexity to her. She may have pursued her basest desires, but Bella was by far the most complex person I had ever met in my entire life.

There were so many sides to her. The side she showed the world, that tough girl exterior that either frightened everybody off or drew them in. That calm and cool front that never let anybody through.

There was also the extremely fragile and soft side that I'd seen only a few times. That was the real Bella, not the womanizer. When I'd crawled in her lap and held her when she'd cried that first night. Those precious few moments where she'd let all of her walls down and let me see her, see who she really was.

And who she was was beauty at its height.

She scrawled things on her skin like armor. She'd had ink put on her skin to remind her of the pain and the hurt and everything that went along with her past. I realized that now. She couldn't bear to remember them so she wore the physical reminders instead.

Simply harrowing. Painful. Emotional.

I followed the kind older nurse down the pale peach colored halls of the hospital, only vaguely hearing the _beep, beep, beep_ of all the machines in the rooms I passed. The hushed voices and the characteristic hospital antiseptic smell all around me. I had been to hospitals a few times when Emmett had decided to be a complete dumb ass. Once when he thought he could jump off the second story of a neighbor's house into their pool and once when he had gashed his hand open on a pair of garden sheers while helping Mom do some yard work.

Neither of those times felt like this time.

This time was so different.

Walking down that hall felt like I was walking towards something bigger than myself. Towards something that would change everything.

I was walking towards Bella again.

Not away this time.

This time I wasn't leaving on my own terms.

I was going back in on my own terms.

Could I possibly manage to keep my head? Could I hold it together long enough to see her and not want to make everything bad in her life better?

How many times would I have to do this for her? Pull her out of the darkness and into the light. Away from the flames and water and sharp objects.

There had to be a limit to how far I would go and be pushed until I broke. I thought I'd reached that limit with her when I'd walked into that room with Bella's head between that slut's legs.

Turns out my limit wasn't anywhere near being reached.

Was this my limit?

Would this be the point of no return?

Did I even want to return?

I wouldn't deny that being with Bella, being around Bella, and just having her in my life had changed everything. Changed my mentality, my outlook on life and everything substantial I thought I knew. If my first girl had been an eye opening experience, Bella had blown the lid off my life. She'd taken the fucking door of the hinges.

Power in its most pure form.

The nurse slowed her footsteps and her face grew soft again as she turned to me following her. She nodded her head in the direction of what I assumed was Bella's room. The door was halfway closed and the minute I put my hand on it to push it open, I felt her.

Funny how being this close to her again after being smeared in her watery blood gave us this physical connection. Almost like I could feel her beating heart from through a door.

"You can close the door if you want. If you need anything, just press the red button on the side of the bed," the nurse said quietly and shuffled off quickly, her soft footsteps barely registering in the long hallway.

The room was silent when I went in and I immediately closed the door behind me. When I turned around, it was heartbreaking. Simply heartbreaking.

Bella was laying on her side on the half reclined bed, curled somewhat in the fetal position. Her hair was thrown over her face. They'd bandaged her wrists and put a sterile-looking blue hospital gown on her. The thin white sheets and blanket were pulled partly up her body, leaving her shoulders exposed. The gown had fallen down a bit and her pale, bare skin looked so vulnerable next to her rich brown hair.

I stood frozen in my spot, unsure of what to do.

There was no protocol for this situation.

What do you say to someone who just tried to kill themselves?

Do you comfort them and say everything is going to be okay or do you just say nothing?

Bella's eyes flickered to my face and I saw a tear fall down her cheek. From the distance I stood from her, I could see her eyes were glassy and cloudy. Like she couldn't focus on me and wasn't sure who I was.

Of course they would have her sedated. How could they not?

"Water," she murmured quietly and my stomach turned over.

"_What is born of fire is consumed by water." _

I would hear that in my head until the day I died, no matter what I lived through. Until the moment I took my very last breath on this planet Bella's pained whimpers and confused ramblings would run through every second of my day, of my life.

How could it not?

I don't know how long I stood there or how long I couldn't move, but it must have been awhile. The little clock on the wall clicked off the seconds and I continued to stare at what had become of Bella.

This wasn't Bella. This girl in front of me was a shell of her former glory. She'd been to hell and back and had lost herself in the process. She'd given herself over to the darkness and the darkness had taken her most important essence. It was almost painful to look at her. I could feel it all the way down in my toes how much it hurt me.

And yet, I finally found myself moving. My feet carried me to Bella's side and I brushed the back of my hand across her damp cheek. She looked up at me again with those cloudy eyes and what I found in them hurt me even more.

I saw pain.

I saw love.

I saw hurt.

I saw confusion.

I saw eternity.

I saw nothingness.

Everything and anything. So much and so little.

There wasn't anything left of her for me. I realized then and there that I couldn't fix her. I could try my hardest forever and ever, but no matter what I did it wouldn't help. There wasn't anything left to fix. She was beyond my reach now. I'd tried my best and I'd failed. For the first time in my life, I'd failed at something. Perhaps the most important thing.

No matter what you do, you can't make someone whole who doesn't want to be put back together.

It's a truth I had failed to see and one that had been glaringly obvious to me.

There was nothing worse than knowing all your effort was for naught, but there's a certain point where you have to face head on the possibility that you should just cut your losses and move on. It's the most painful thing of all to know that you're giving up on something that could have been so beautiful and right and absolutely everything to you, but it's something that has to be done.

I wished with all my might that I could stay with her forever. That she would stay with me forever. That we could make this work.

But the fact of the matter was that we couldn't.

There was nothing left between us.

Heartbreaking simplicity.

That's what we were.

Two halves of different wholes.

It was so right while it lasted, but it would never be right again. Never be that same flame and intensity and sense of forever. We had crossed that point of no return and I had to let go.

Bella was beyond my reach now.

Once and for all.

Her problems were bigger than I could ever dream of handling.

But there was one last thing we could have together.

We could have this moment that was bigger than both of us. We could spend one last moment as _us_ and when that moment was over, it would be lost to eternity. I think that is the truth of humanity that nobody wants to acknowledge. Once a moment begins, it is doomed to end. Nothing can last forever and time marches on regardless of how damn hard you want it to stop.

We both needed this moment.

This moment to finally say goodbye.

To be close one more time before we would be apart forever.

To feel the warmth of her body next to mine and the feel weight of her breasts and curve of her spine against my body.

I crawled in bed with her, carefully making sure not to jostle her. I curled myself around her body from behind, placing my arm over her waist and palming her breast under my small hand. Just like always, I felt the hard nubs of her piercings through the material and though normally this would have excited me, I felt nothing but distain for the tiny things. They were a sign of the suffering Bella inflicted upon herself in the name of numbing herself. I could see that now.

I pulled her body against mine, pushing her hair out of her face and nestling my head on her shoulder. I could feel the dull _thud, thud, thud_ of her heartbeat and never had something felt and sounded so wonderful. The world had been so close to losing her brilliance and beauty. To think that her devious eyes would never shine again or that half smirk would never be smiled again was something I was glad would never happen.

You never truly know someone until you've seen them at their very worst.

I thought I knew Bella.

Turns out I only had known what she'd let me know.

But we're all like that.

Nobody ever really knows the real us. We hide ourselves from the world, never showing our true colors. We hide our deepest and darkest secrets from those around us, fearing what they would think if they really know what went on in our head in our darkest moments. Petrified of the reaction we'd receive.

I can't say I was any different. I'd hidden my true self from so many for so long.

I resolved then and there that the next time I saw my parents I would tell them I was gay. I'd come too close to losing Bella that I finally saw that life was too short to be anything but yourself. To live a lie and repress everything right about yourself.

That's what love had done to me. It had broken me and put me back together. Taken me and stripped away all the crap and lies and hiding and made me confront head on everything in my life with a scary honesty. Made me see the painful truths of the world and given me back everything in a different way it had been taken away.

I had lost myself and found someone else in the process.

I found who I was supposed to be all along.

I found what was right after being thrown in a pit of wrong.

Behind the lies I had found the truth of the matter, the heart of it all.

By almost losing Bella, I had found her.

By almost losing myself, I had found who I was meant to be.

The seconds clicked by on the clock. Seconds into minutes into hours. We laid there, me wrapped around her. I don't know if she knew this would be goodbye, but I certainly did. I wanted this moment to last. When I walked out of this room, it would be the last room I would ever walk out of with Bella in it. Maybe perhaps down the line we would meet again, and maybe things would be different. Honestly though, I didn't have much hope for that to happen.

We were never meant to be. Trying to force it would be like trying to force two magnets together that were being repelled. No matter how hard you tried, it just wouldn't happen.

All the heartache and pain and everything would just not work.

_We_ couldn't work.

Sometimes the pain isn't worth it.

But I was worth it.

There was someone out there who was worth it and would love me and cherish me and treat me as if I was made of gold. That would make everything okay and never hurt me. Someone that was worth it just like I was worth it.

Time seemed to stop all together as we laid there on that bed. All that existed was Bella and me and the feel of our bodies up against each other. Our slow, shallow breathes and the smell of hospital. The gauze bandages on Bella's wrist that reminded me exactly why we were here and not laying in her bed. Why destiny had chosen to make this all so wrong.

Why I had been given love only to face heartbreak.

And yet with each rise and fall of our chests in tandem with each other, I accepted what had happened more and more. Everything happens for a reason and this was no different.

Bella had shown me the best and worst of me.

And I couldn't be more thankful for that.

The sunlight began to fade behind the old plastic shades and I knew that our moment was ending quickly. As all moments do.

Time is a harsh mistress that marches on despite your best efforts to stop it.

I brought Bella's body a little closer to mine and squeezed her a little harder one last time. I inhaled that delicious scent of her hair that was distinctly Bella. I breathed it in deep all the way to my toes.

One small sob came from my chest, unbidden and uninvited.

"Alice," Bella said so quietly I almost missed it.

"I know," I whimpered in her hair.

"I'm sorry," she said again quietly. "For everything."

My heart clenched from her words.

I had been waiting to hear those words for so long. I expected them to give me hope that we could make this work, but they didn't. They only gave me closure.

Above all else, if there was one thing I would take from knowing Bella was that sometimes you do crazy things in the name of what you think is love. You put yourself out there in the hopes that the other person will return your affections. Things you'd never thought yourself capable of. Things you never even dreamed of doing. And yet you do them. You put someone above yourself for the sake of love.

I loved Bella. I always would.

But sometimes love wasn't enough.

No matter how much I loved her, it would never be enough.

And I learned another thing from Bella.

That beauty is not about strength or power. It is about vulnerability and softness.

There's beauty in the breakdown.

I brushed Bella's hair aside and placed my lips on her skin one last time, kissing her neck softly and delicately.

"I know, baby," I whispered. "I know."

Faith and love and lust and truth and light and darkness. Bella had shown me it all.

Bella had shown me beauty was deeper than skin.

Real beauty comes from what you hold in your heart and soul.

That's the ultimate truth of life.

* * *

**A/N: Epilogue forthcoming though honestly I don't know when. Damn school.  
**


	15. Epilogue

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay in this. Stupid school was kicking my ass for the longest time and I finally found some time to sit down and get this out. **

**Song for the chapter – Damien Rice's "Blower's Daughter"**

**Skin Deep **

**Epilogue**

I didn't see Bella again after I left the hospital that day. I walked out that door and I knew that there was a good chance I wouldn't ever see her again.

And yet, I had found peace. She was where she needed to be and I knew that by doing this to herself she would find the help she desperately needed. I could do all I might to help her, but ultimately I wasn't equipped to provide the kind of help she really needed. I had no training, no education in mental illness. It was clear to me that Bella was off balance and people far more prepared to deal with that problem were the ones who should take care of her now.

I wasn't relinquishing her hold over me, just accepting how things had turned out.

I felt lighter than ever.

There wasn't that same weight hanging over my head. I wasn't balanced on that knife blade anymore. There was no threat of any violence in my life anymore.

Bella never came back to her room in the dorm.

A few days after a woman looking strikingly like her but with shorter hair and kookier eyes swept in and I saw her carrying boxes of things from Bella's room from down the hall.

It must have been Bella's mother.

I'd never heard about her more than a brief mention once or twice. I may have been curious to meet the woman, but I also didn't want to intertwine my life back into Bella's anymore.

I had made my choice and I would have to live with it.

Life is a series of choices and dealing with the consequences of those choices. One choice leads to another and on and on.

They may not necessarily be the best choices, but they're ones we make.

I had chosen to leave, to be the stronger person and remove myself from the situation. I had chosen to give up and move on and I couldn't turn back.

Making the decision was the hard part for me. I always agonized over them, trying to see each path laid out in front of me and weigh the pros and cons of each. But once I made my choice, I stuck with it. I wouldn't ever turn back a choice I made. For better or worse, I always saw them through to the end.

And this choice was no different.

I wouldn't turn back and wouldn't go crawling back into a world where I would only get hurt further.

So I stayed away.

I watched as box after box of Bella's precious belongings was carried from her room and imagined what each box held. I'd touched absolutely everything in that room and I could still picture every inch of it.

For the precious time I'd spent in there, that room had become more of a home to me than any place I'd ever had.

It had become my sanctuary and my hell at the same time.

It had been my rebirth and my destruction.

I had risen from the flames as a bright and glorious phoenix.

I had emerged stronger than ever.

The room stayed empty after it was finally cleared out. It was too late in the semester for the school to find another girl to move in and in a way I preferred this. It meant for as long as I would be there, Bella would be the room's only resident.

There were nights when I'd walk down the quiet hallway and sit with my back against the wall on the other side of her door. I'd sit there in the semi darkness of the hallway at night with my knees tucked under my chin and stare at the door with that little construction paper leaf announcing to the world the room number.

Just like those nights before my entire world had changed.

Just like before I really and truly met Bella.

I didn't like to admit that I did this. It was weakness. It was a small way that I couldn't yet commit to the path in life I'd selected, the path that led me away from Bella.

But this time she wasn't on the other side of the door.

So in a way I wasn't in any danger.

At least I used that to justify what I did.

Jessica didn't mention Bella for the rest of the school year and I was thankful of that. I think she picked up on the fact that I was having trouble dealing with what happened. For as much grief as I gave her, she really was pretty intelligent. She knew when to speak up and when to stay quiet. And surprisingly we did actually become pretty good friends.

Granted I moved out of the dorms I moved into a single apartment, but we still talked and hung out together occasionally. She'd seen me at my best and my worst and she accepted me for who I was.

I made good on my promise to come out to my parents the next time I saw them.

I was home for one of my breaks and sat my parents down. I held my breath for an interminable moment after I finally said it.

"Mom and Dad, I'm gay."

I don't know what I expected their reaction to be, but of course I think I thought it was going to be bad.

Much to my surprise and good fortune, my mother's eyes softened and she leaned across the coffee table. She patted my hand and smiles sweetly to me.

"Honey, I think your father and I have known that for a long time. I'm glad you finally trust us enough to tell us."

Well, hells bells. They'd known all along. Emmett put me in a headlock and made me promise not to go after Rose. Then I managed to half kick him in the junk and he called me a she-devil. Typical Emmett really.

About six months after that I met Susan.

She was pretty and smart and level-headed. We quite literally ran into each other at a coffeeshop one day and after we cleaned our drinks off each other we got to talking.

We talked for almost four hours that first day. Six the next day.

She was an elementary education major and was pretty much the sweetest girl I'd ever met. She worked at an animal shelter in her spare time and had a passion for cooking.

A part of me was so hesitant to get into another relationship after Bella, thinking it would blow up in my face again. I think Susan sensed my hesitation. She let me take things between us at my pace, never pushing me.

She let me ask her out first. She let me lead the way when we finally got physical. And she never once discussed a future until I brought it up.

She became my new world. Her soft auburn hair tickled my face when I woke up and her cute little breasts became my new heaven.

She didn't have piercings or tattoos or anything that made her stand out from the norm and I liked that.

Susan was clean and free. Her eyes weren't weighed down and when she laughed I knew she meant it. She had a great family and I met her sister one time who also happened to go to the same college as us.

Our relationship just came easy to me. It was comfortable and welcoming, warm and hearty. There was no head games or power plays or any of that crap I'd had deal with from Bella.

And I liked it.

Matter of fact I liked it so much that I asked Susan to move in with me about eight months after we got together. We exchanged rings and talked about making a life together. We did the horribly typical and clichéd lesbian thing and got a dog together, one we picked from the local shelter she worked at.

Sure, we had fights like any normal couple, but they were nothing we couldn't resolve. There was nothing big enough to come between us.

Not even when the chapter I thought I'd closed in my life suddenly reopened.

We were just chilling out on the couch one spring afternoon. Susan was sitting upright reading a book while I laid with my head in her lap. She was gently playing with my hair in one hand with her book in the other. I had my eyes closed and was half dozing from the gentle feel of her fingers running through my hair.

The dog was fast asleep in her dog bed.

And then the doorbell rang.

"Baby, I'll get that," Susan said sweetly.

"No, it's okay. You keep reading," I replied and kissed her gently on the lips as I got up to see who was at the door.

I pulled the door open to find my past staring me in the eye.

There on our front step stood Bella in all of her fine glory. She'd kept her hair long and honestly, she looked … good. She had color in her cheeks and that dead, flat look I'd last seen in her eyes was long gone.

She looked downright healthy. Like she'd found some measure of peace in the time since I'd last seen her.

"Hey," she said quietly.

I was too stunned to say anything. My hand gripped the edge of the door and no words formed in my head.

"So the alumni association gave me your address after some sweet talking," she said to fill the silence.

"Okay," I replied blankly.

Bella brought her hand up and rubbed the back of her neck, head down and eyes averted from me.

I had absolutely no idea what to do. I'd given up so long ago on ever seeing her again, of ever knowing what became of her that there had been no room for even fantasizing.

She brought her head up and gave me another version of that half smile from so long ago, though this time it wasn't a predatory one. It was a sweet and friendly one.

"I just wanted to say thank you, Alice. Without you I would never have realized some very important things about my life and I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank you enough," she said and fidgeted with her hands.

"Oh, Bella," I sighed.

"Baby?" I heard from behind me and felt Susan come up and wrap her around my waist, resting her head on my shoulder.

Her arms incrementally tightened for a second when she saw Bella there in front of me and I squeezed her hand to let her know that everything was okay.

For a brief moment I saw something flicker across Bella's face, maybe disappointment and maybe something else.

Susan kissed the side of my head and Bella's smile fell a bit. Anybody who didn't know her wouldn't have noticed the difference, but I saw it there.

I think she expected me to take her back.

Unfortunately I'd moved on. To that person who really did love me without all the pretentious crap. Someone who loved me for me unconditionally.

And I loved that someone back. Susan was my life, my world, my everything. And I was hers. I wouldn't ever do anything to damage that. I wouldn't ever put that in peril.

I loved Susan with every fiber of my being and I would never question that.

"Bella," I sighed again.

Bella's hand came up to her face and she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"I really should be going. I just wanted to say thanks again, Alice," Bella smiled briefly again and then turned to leave.

I didn't stop her.

She disappeared back out of my life as quickly as she'd reappeared.

I quietly closed the door and turned in Susan's arms.

"Who was that?" Susan whispered against my lips, her big hazel eyes looking into mine.

"Someone who taught me how to love you," I answered.

"Then I owe her a big thanks," she smiled and pressed her lips to mine.

In the end it seemed that Bella had been so much more than a dangerous fling. She'd taught me so many things and shown me what it really meant to love someone. It didn't have to be hard or painful.

It could simply just be.

And that's all I really could ever ask for.

* * *

**A/N #2: Thanks for all the support during the writing of this story. I really appreciate it. If you haven't already done so, please add me to your author alert list if you're interested in receiving notices when I post new things. I have another story brewing in my head, one that will return me to my epic Edward/Bella stories. Unfortunately I don't know when I'll be able to start it, but rest assured that it will happen eventually. **

**Thanks again and I hope you've enjoyed reading Skin Deep as much as I've enjoyed writing it, even if it did take forever. **


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